freescripting

Just here after a gap - I've been distracted by events here, like Delfin's visit until Sunday and after this...

Monday I didn't want to face myself, I wanted to hide.

Tuesday more of this: and also a wet dream... Didn't like it at all - I was like if I had masturbated - I remember not directing me in the dream and just participating in it

And I am glad to be here because this afternoon I've been playing computer game to not have to face myself

But I am here, and also: Couple of times arousal came, desire to watch porn and this abuse stuff, and I overcome it - I thought I didn't feel like after that having to explain it all and also doing forgiveness for that - Laziness assisting... the world is in reverse... - Actually is self honesty assisting - as I know I can't hide/I won't hide anything. So that's cool.

Now procrastination is in finding a job - what the heck! And also not wanting to revise next year's subject - chemistry!

I am resisting this (finding a job) fears inside and also it can be some sort of abuse system - wanting me to remain here at home can be regarded as a kind of torture...

And also-- I watched this video interview about fear by Enlil... I fear not passing next year's course.

I fear not directing me and having to deal with mountains of shit - which leads in wanting to hide and wanting to even disappear.

Right wrist pain. Right hand middle finger pain. The enslavement of myself byme through my allowance in participation with MCS and me being in relationship with the mind instead of myself. -you can you put some comment if you notice something not specific - Also in the same hand: pointing finger pain (direction) and right knee pain - ego of the mind

And right ear pain (not big one, at moments it pops up) -> listening to the mind

And red eyes - they can't be just because lots of hours at pc, as I always am and not always get red eyes

Right now the cat is, again, picking his teddy thingie, puting it next to my feet and masturbating on it - he showing me self expression in masturbation. And also he just farted - to not care about anyone's opinion. LOL

He is very aplicated in showing me how to masturbate without images.

cats cools

cyabay

Journey

Today I've had a talk with my parents... My mother was worried about me because I've been in front of the computer non stop for a week or more, and I talked them about process.

Basically they were afraid of me not socializing any more, and what would I 'become' with that process... Judgements about Desteni came up... I found it hard to explain what it is... Dear reader: Any commonsensical document to wake up sleeping beings?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when speaking to them about Desteni

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my father disconnecting the screen for me to not be able to stay at the pc at night

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear Desteni being a fake

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire that Desteni is true in fear of being fooled

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to stop him from doing that instead of realizing that by resisting it he will be more decided about it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my fathers to see what really Desteni stands for

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear them judging me and/or Desteni

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not want my parents to have a 'bad idea' of Desteni

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react to my parents jokes about it laughing instead of directing me here

My father keeps wanting to stop me from being at the computer - why?

- Tell me..

- Put save now and bye...

- Why you want me to quit pc?

- It's a weakness I am studying I still don't know

- A weakness?

- It's in its phase of investigation..

- If it's a weakness, why do you want me to obey a weakness?

- Look, (laugh) let's see... ai ai (doubt) and more laugh..

- YOu know laughing is a protection to not realize something?

- Oh how beauty...

- So.. you want to pick up the screen so I can't be honest with myself here?

- Yes, ther are many options to be honest, not only the pc

- Here I can't share it for all to see it and be useful to others.

- Maybe it's a weaknes of you - a mirror of my weakness that you carry inside of yourself

- mom: (let's go to sleep all?)

- You know that when you say someone is something is because you identify yourself with that?

- mom: say goodnight - comeone the father is sleepy. -poor father.

- father: I will justify myself.. - I want to go to sleep - give me the screen please.

- You know it's a weakness... you said so.

- will you tell your firends your father is crazy? Not crazy.. half crazy.

- No, you are only of the mind and systems.

- Oh, ok, goodnight

- Goodnight.

I will continue with self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I've accepted

fath: ok put that in paper, save it.. it's late.

me: just go to sleep.

I'll get up at 10

- so use the day

Ok, see you tomorrow.

I am taking the screen

100101101010101010100101010101011010010101

I am expressing myself here, first of all I am going to read an Osho tarot card.

17. Silence

Try Again

---

Silence

The energy of the whole has taken possession of you. You are possessed, you are no more, the whole is.

This moment, as the silence penetrates in you, you can understand the significance of it, because it is the same silence that Gautam Buddha experienced. It is the same silence that Chuang Tzu or Bodhidharma or Nansen.... The taste of the silence is the same.

Time changes, the world goes on changing, but the experience of silence, the joy of it, remains the same. That is the only thing you can rely upon, the only thing that never dies. It is the only thing that you can call your very being.

Osho Zen: The Diamond Thunderbolt Chapter 1

Commentary:

The silent, mirrorlike receptiveness of a star-filled night with a full moon is reflected in the misty lake below. The face in the sky is deep in meditation, a goddess of the night who brings depth, peace and understanding.

Now is a very precious time. It will be easy for you to rest inside, to plumb the depths of your own inner silence to the point where it meets the silence of the universe. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and the quality of your inner silence permeates everything you do.

It might make some people uncomfortable, accustomed as they are to all the noise and activity of the world. Never mind; seek out those who can resonate with your silence - or enjoy your aloneness. Now is the time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that come to you in these moments will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of your life.

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I wanted to talk about yesterday... Yesterday there were some events that made me ashame of myself - and I wanted to hide it, I wanted to just hide it because I thought it was me, I toke it personally and holy fuck, this one is about abuse.

It all started with a friend showing me a new at a digital newspaper, abut the rape of a 13 year old girl by her boyfriend and 5 friends of him - he was very serious. I didn't arouse by then but in one moment I smiled - not at first when knowing the fact, I wanted him to know that the world is very fucked but somehow I smiled..

With this friend, I wanted to be frank with him in stopping the shit we've allowed ourselves to participate in the relationship, specially telling him my point of view of not being honest when hanging out with him. That new seemed to be well placed for the moment too, for him to realize the necessity to do something. I based the conversation in our relationship and also we talked about what are relationships with girls based on. Didn't talk specifically about the web, though I've show him the link sometimes but didn't really stop to explain it.


Return to abuse... Some day I heard in a radio program about sexuality, a prostitute saying that a friend of her was raped anally by a client and what to do in that case because her friend didn't had residence permit and stuff...

Yesterday I thought of that and I aroused - I kept myself in that thought and arousal sensation and I was wondering if that could be possible done without being jailed... I was going to google it to see if there was some new about it when I stopped myself. That would lead me to porn and masturbation at the end... I realized that desire within me to abuse. Actually I was wondering about the possibility of this being done... Though I know I would not do it - instead going into masturbation and possibly porn - though I would resist that because I stopped this for some time now.

This is all the abuse system, I've participated extensively with porn and masturbation and I still have it . At first I would get aroused by regular porn but within time I started to need more abuse to be infringed to a woman to get aroused... I would use at the end anal hardcore to arouse - the harder the better - the more innocent they seemed too.

I've accepted that within me as well - I experimented with anal masturbation - sometimes I got pain in the ass... It's weird... I would at first not like the pain but then it was part of the arousal. It's like I 'enjoyed' abusing me... It was like searching for an object and then wanting to put it all in - note that if you react to me it's not my fault lol - no matter the pain - of course within some physical limits.

That feeling of being fucked aroused me so much and I had super-orgasms that I didn't had with regular masturbation.

Within that acceptance I would get aroused to others abuse as well.


That sexual drive of wanting to masturbate going to porn was not enjoyable.. Once there I would start compounding energy as arousal video after video and then eventually masturbating and releasing - like a junkie.

Every time it was harder to me and usually I spent hours watching porn to masturbate.


In two occasions I liked my own shit. Which aroused me too - all used to masturbate.

I would fantasize in rape and in porn I would usually search for videos where I would enjoy to see the girl actually not enjoying the sex act or suffering it.


to be continued

The Pression was from Personality Design

Personality designs operate within ‘extremes’ – meaning, it’ll either ‘elevate the experience of you’ into a ‘self-centered’ experience, whereby you perceive all and everything in you and your world to be ‘perky’ and ‘fine’, ‘beautiful’ and ‘perfect’, and ‘in order’ – where all and everything is seemingly ‘right with the world and with you’ = which send you into the manifested experience of the ‘white-light/spiritualist’ construct OR ‘reduce the experience of you’ into a ‘self centered’ experience, whereby it’ll ‘eject’ so to speak your suppressed emotions of pain, sadness, pity, remorse within which extremes such as ‘aggression’ / ‘depression’ will become the experience of you.

...Realise that whenever you experience everything to be apparently ‘perfect, perky and peachy’ with you and your world – where everything apparently goes ‘right’ = Huge Problem, as this is an example of you being consumed within and as an ‘personality design’ and you’re existing within an alternate mind-dimension and the inevitability of an fast and quick ‘come down’ from such a ‘drugged-like’ experience is imminent as the mind can only sustain an energetically charged experience for so long within and as this reality.

The same goes for those who experience ‘depression/aggression’ in any way whatsoever – it’s a manifested personality design you have become, which is you trying/attempting to ‘hide/escape’ the inevitability of facing you in transcendence here within self honesty.

The key is to live and apply you practically here in every moment of breath – if you’re not living yourself here practically within self forgiveness, self corrective application, breathing in self honesty = but defining yourself according to ‘who you have been and what you have experienced within the past, using the knowledge and information you have acquired here to justify the past by ‘making it more than what it is/was’ = you’re within and as a manifested personality designed entity take-over.

...Thus, if you relate yourself to the past in any way whatsoever – know you’re designing your own personality design and accepting and allowing yourself to participate within it – because of fear of facing your own mind as what you have accepted and allowed yourself to be and become.

PEOPLE: read this http://www.desteni.co.za/Osho/ManifestedPersonality.htm

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to procrastinate in applying self forgiveness in my personality designs and my relations to the past

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I can't apply this self forgiveness effectively

I am self forgiveness. I am self trust. I am efectiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to try to yawn

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to disconnect from the mind so I remain enslaved and directed by the mind for the rest of my existence here

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to events in the past and to put value into events in the past such as relationships or summer activities

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate extensively in the design of the mind as depression in wanting to hide from proces/hide from who I really am - wich is suicidal/crazy becasue is like giving me up for a machine

I fogive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get nervous and insecure when I have to make self forgiveness, I am self forgiveness, I am self trust and I am breath - what can go wrong then?

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed mself to believe this lie of the mind as bad feelings to be real

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to get angry for participating in this personality design of depression for months

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can go into process 'little by little' instead of realizing that this is just a beLIEve

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in every moment in being aware of my breath

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of F,

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to go to sleep, it's but a personality design for me to not realize who I am

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be specific in applying sf now

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deserve a happy life

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want/desire having a happy experience in my life - playing out the polarity

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to stop doing sf

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live in the drug of the mind as depression alternate reality

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow anything less than who I am from me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to supress yawns

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breathe here in every moment of breath in awareness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to yawn

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be here totally aware

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow my mind to retract

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breathe here in awareness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that is me that is tired instead of realizing that is the mind wanting me to go to sleep and rejuvenate it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I was 'lost' when I had this 'depression' instead of realizing that I can't really be lost and that this was a Personality Design

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of woman

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that its ok suppressing me in presence of others such as friends

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place value in friends so I fear losing them because apparently they are valuable

I am self value

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to have friends because 'every hone has'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in relationship based in self dishonesty, based in not being who each other are - frieds - as potatoes are

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest with my friends because of the probability of them judging me and spreading the word of 'he is veery strange!'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give a fuck about what others and others others talk, think or how they judge me

Back to process - Can't continue this way. See you here and at the desteni forums (www. desteni.co.za)

Sexual education - Female body orgasm

Video on female orgasm/ejaculation and how to do it. It explains the preparatory massage technique and then the how to for the orgasm. The video shows it all. The video is not suitable for 'immature' or +18, so to call it. It's NOT porn, it's an instructional video made by the researcher an his couple.


http://www.divshare.com/download/5450685-b23

(link running, 25 Sept. 2008. just copy - paste, don't need to download nothing, it's running online)

Enjoy,

and post a comment if you want :)

Note: The purpose of the video is EDUCATIONAL. Don't watch it if you can't stand nudity or explicit sexual acts.

Body

My body is life, it's aware, and it will remain here away when I'll cross over. When I'll go out of it. It can't disappear, it's impossible, life can't disappear. It will be aware of itself even burnt and once in ashes. It will then amalgamate once again with earth.

My body is not mine, it is, it is life, it is here. He is supporting me. I am abusing it. He is showing where I am dishonest with myself, I am not honoring it as me.

It's experiencing pain because of my acts. I am not grateful to it because it is assisting me greatly in my process and in my 3D capability.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to be grateful to the body that supports me

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I possess the body, yet it is me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my body to transcend the points that it shows me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disregard it unconditional love and assistance by not applying myself on what I see it's not clear and transcended in me

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that all that I am is this physical human body, I am all that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to criticize parts of my human body like stretch marks on my hips

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my eyes because I need to wear glasses

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge my teeth for its form

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the colour of my theeth

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my tonsil manifestation

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my arms as thin

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my neck as long

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abuse the back of the body when I sit in curved positions

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to have a shower for others to see me in a proper way instead of doing it to honor my body as me

I am my physical body

I am life

I am the embracing of me as my physical body

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the cicatrices of my arm and of my face (little ones).

FUCK I am yearning

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to yearn because then I am allowing myself to let the mind 'disconnect' to no transcend a point to remove something of it.

I am self directive

I am self movement

I am self expression

I express myself unconditionally

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to apply self forgiveness in fear of the consequences that my carry if I don't, like compounding shit

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire having a relationship with a girl and having sex with a girl

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to go to varsity to be able to fuck a girl

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to picture the sexual relationship with a girl as something wowowowowo great

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe what the mind system beings tell about sex, because it's a super-experience from the mind, not really expression, Anyway it can't be described with words

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to figure out how can it be to have sex with a girl and then desire it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust the recreation of 'how it can be' a sexual relationship and then desire it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my breath always

I am here

I am breath

I am awareness of breath

I am going to sleep