anxiety

Today I have moved my matrass and other stuff I had from my grandma's home to my new rent room in Barcelona. I will live with 2 other guys from next week until, at least, 5 - 6 months. I have been anxious while doing the moving - more at the end, when at the new flat.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be anxyous when I was at the new flat
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear E. rejecting me for me having my head shaved
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stay at the new flat
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be anxyous while doing the move instead of remaining here in every moment of breath

In the afternoon my mother phoned me and I was not confortable talking with her - I did not know at first who was calling me because she was calling from her working place. Later on this talk I felt anxyous - I realized that I have not cleared my relationship with her. I felt anxious at the home I am now with my cousin and her partner. I, suddenly, started to feel anxiety in the stomach and it did not happen to me in the last days - maybe is from the fear of change and because I am not doing what I have to do - today I slept too much in the afternoon and too much in the morning (wake up at nine and something and in the midday slept from five to seven pm) today was off from work because yesterday rained very much and there was mud on the field.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in anxyiety because i am not doing what I have to do instead of doing it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not set the alarm clock when I slept in the midday
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up in the morning when I woke up
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that If my body is tired i need to sleep more
I forgive myself that i've not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if my body is tired is because of my participation in the mind
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money

Not having money - I feared not having money yesterday after I saw that someone charged my bank 158€ and I did not know where it came from - I feared not having enough money to live in the new flat I am going to

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money to pay the flat
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get a job to pay the flat
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having to return with my parents/grandmother because I don't have enough money to live
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money to pay the desteni courses
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having to live in the streets
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get a job in barcelona
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that i'ts difficult to find job in barcelona because I didn't find one when I searched for it in the past
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let myself be influenced by the past by fearing not being able to get a job because of a past experience of not being able to get a job - I will not accept or allow myself to be influenced by the past - I am here.

self realizations within my day / the day

I am here

Things/realizations that I fear not remembering:

When I went down the hole where water is(well), instead of putting on the water boots, I choosed the trainers, saying that I would clean them afterwards(i knew there was water) - once there I asked for the boots.

I wanted to go out of there pushing myself up other than allowing myself to be helped by L (he was at the other end of the rope)

Yesterday I dremed a group of people, a circle of people 'cicrcling' us in a 'unfriendly' manner and then I feeling intimidated - later a bigger cicrlce of people 'from our band'/friends circled it and then I was in power and took a girld and raped her - here I woke up with a wet dream -

Another self realization: I've been searching a place to stay in barcelona. I found 3 places. I wanted to go at the third one because I thought that I could talk about desteni with them, and resisted to go to the 2nd one because I thought it would be very difficult to talk with the guy there about Desteni.

When I was sending a message to the 3rd place I writted something like: can I come to live with you? I wanted to live with them - instead of me going into a relationship with myself I wanted to go in a relationship with them = separation

I realized something else yesteray: Talking with my cousin about how to live, she was sharing something about if we are happy and think that we need good then we'll have good and we can overcome sicknes. What she said is irrelevant, what was relevant is that I kept saying to her to share what she has found so others can see it - me projecting myself onto her, wanting her to do what I see I have to do.

I also projected into a guyt with whom I work in the vineyards, he is almost illiterate and I insisted much in him studying, despite he is/have few possibilities to do it without being supported by money/with his mindset.

So I know I have to study and share my process - this is what I have to do. I wanted to go into a place to live with people whith whom I see I can distract myself wanting them to do process instead of me doing it - and when I see that I have no options to make a potential flatmate to do process then I resist going there. Because I've believed I have to save others - make others do process. NO.s

SF on Fear of not having place to live/rejection

I went to search for rooms to live in barcelona - I went to two flats and one house. I found it impossible or almost to apply self forgiveness and stop myself to be here with breath with some of them - with all of them regarding to self forgiveness. I feared them rejecting me if I did self forgiveness in front of them. I was in fear of not getting the place to live - the room.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to reject myself (where?)
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myslef to fear not being able to 'get a room' because my 'future mates' see me applying self forgiveness in front of them
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not do self forgiveness unconditionally
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to be accepted I have to compromise myself not forgiving myself at the moment it needs to be done
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a place to live
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire and want to have a room to live
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath when talking to another being
I am here

See ya