Stopping procrastination

I am back to take responsibility for myself.

Friday

Even though I 'wanted to stop' hiding from myself, today I woke up at midday. When the alarm rang I kept stopping it every time the snooze made it sound. I woke up with the thought of survival: I was worried about a guy that is visiting eating a slice of the bread I have in the shelf I keep my food, and also a tomato can. I was worried because yesterday I gave him of this bread and maybe today he would pick again. I saw how ridiculous this was. I am running out of money and I am starting to have this thoughts. On thursday I was with this guy and I shared my food with him, he is visiting the city and is staying here because a flat mate invites people to come to this flat (Couchsurfing is the name of this practice) and I saw that I was 'taking care of him' instead of me taking care of myself and also I was 'consuming' the money I have while he can buy his own food. And I saw that I have to support myself and, if anyone, support those that stand for and live the principle of What is Best for ALL. I saw that I was taking care of him in giving him instead of me supporting myself - I was going into a relationship with him instead of assisting me and being practical about the situation that is that I have to get money by getting a job instead of worrying for a slice of bread.

I went to school this afternoon and I was going into thoughts so frequently while the teacher was speaking - not getting what he was saying most of the time because I was not there in the class but in my mind.

When I returned home I took some coffee, which is a 'treat'-like thing I am using lately and when this guy showed up I entertained myself with him some time, he was cooking tonight. At the end of the dinner I made coffee - which is something I have been doing, looking for 'good' the best coffee - and want to obtain recognition for those coffees asking the guys at the flat how they like it and if the did like how I did it.

Right now I am hearing noise that seems kissing. I stopped writing and went very quiet to listen, at first I reacted in arousal but then it stopped. There are two female 'Couch-surfers' on the living room and they are couple apparently for what I've understood on the chat I had after dinner with one of them.

Tonight I chatted with a guy that knows me and my brother and my family as well, he is old friend of us and asked how was my brother. At first I doubted what to do but finally I said that he is in the mental hospital - he wanted to visit him and I said that for me it was ok but didn't know my parents opinion about this. I said I would ask my mother instead of giving him her telephone as he asked. I fear my mother's reaction to it because she wanted to keep it secret at least for my grandmother 'so she doesn't suffer'.

I entertained myself after dinner with this guy I was talking of the slice of breath, instead of doing what I know I have to do, so tomorrow I will have to instead of entertaining myself, do the required tasks and speed up my process as much as I can.

In an Equal Money System I would not have to worry about not having food if a friend is coming to visit because it would be enough for everyone. I would not have to fear running out of money either because I would have it in the sufficient amount to live a dignified life.

Also I would not have to fear getting robbed as I did today when two men approached me in the street to ask me for directions because everyone would have all they need to live a fulfilling and enjoyable life. I - and everyone - would be able to have a guitar as well, thing that I can not afford now. And also I would be able to live with animals because I would be able to afford it. More info about the Equal Money System clicking here.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up when the alarm clock rang this morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself and within this hide from myself sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to sleep more than six hours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that it is easier to direct myself in the long run than avoiding facing myself in what I have to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge getting up in the morning as difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear running out of food and not having money to get more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with fear of not having money instead of searching for a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about not having money to pay for ITD and the flat rent and food in the future instead of being here and move practically within self trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow fear of not having money to pay for my basic necessities and to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'having to' go to live back with my parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear applying myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough food to feed me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough money to pay for my expenses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to get a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on searching for a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within the fear of not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let not having money control what I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having less food and react to it in fear of survival and then act upon it in telling the guy to not use my food instead of stopping myself and walk the solution of getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the guy visiting here for me running out of food instead of taking responsibility for myself and getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a relationship with N. instead of me taking care of my needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in a relationship with N.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself effectively today in standing up in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in not doing what I have to do and instead of doing it go into a relationship with the people that is in the flat, coffee and food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself in going into a relationship with my surroundings and the mind instead of assisting myself practically and effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying M. he cannot visit my brother and want my mother to tell it to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong for telling M. that my brother is in the mental hospital

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling to M. that it's better for my brother to not see him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to 'be honest' with M. instead of considering what is best for my brother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my brother being angry or my parents for me telling that my brother is in the mental hospital

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to define myself as honest for telling M. that my brother is at the mental hospital instead of seeing what is best for my brother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself within taking the decision of not hiding that my brother is at the mental hospital.

Turn Hiding OFF

I have been hiding from myself. I have realized that I am living in survival mode and within this have accepted and allowed myself to, for example,

I am hiding from myself. I am hiding in not doing what I have to do and going into a relationship, for instance with flat mates, to not feel bad. Recently I smoked. Yesterday I did. And today , after realizing that I was able to do much more in relation to my brother - I wanted to smoke again -. I have a relationship with him and I wanted him to realize himself. and now that he is in the psychiatric I see that he is not able to 'make it' but I wanted him to 'make it' in self interest in my relationship with him and because it is 'my family'. And I cannot help myself if I want to help him and don't help myself. Fuck that then. I am not able to cure mental diseases, not I am able to assist myself effectively - how can I am able to assist others? This is common sense. I let go of wanting to help my brother. Now different emotions come up: sadness, anger. First anger then sadness as if 'I can't do nothing about it' - this is a trap for me to react and go 'YES I CAN DO SOMETHING' but = If I can't assist myself effectively I cannot assist anyone effectively. I will not try to help my brother even though I would like to do it but I realize I cannot do it so there is nothing more to say. Instead I will assist myself so I can assist others effectively - and him if he steps up to me and ask or if I see I can assist him - always only if I see I can assist him -.

How can I assist myself first?

- GET SCHOOL DONE

- Get a job

- Get the ITD done

- Become active participant in DIP

- Purify myself with self forgiveness and self honesty - tools shared at Desteni

This is what I've been hiding from. I was giving up myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot assist myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to go in a relationship with food, smoking cigarettes, flat mates, the mind, thoughts, desires, fear and do it instead of facing myself and pushing myself to become and realize myself as life in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be kind with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and believe that I am alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instead of purifying myself in self honesty within self forgiveness, go into a relationship with my enviroment and surroundings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed for not having directed myself in self honesty but in fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and what I've become within it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a relationship with coffee instead of facing myself and what I have to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge what I have to do as a burden instead of seeing that it is me assisting and supporting myself in my application in this world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good about myself in 'wanting to help my brother' instead of me assisting me effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the wanting of assisting my brother as the reason why I am not directing myself instead of seeing in self honesty that I am not assisting him and unable to do so if I don't assist and support myself first and so within this realize that I was using him as an excuse to not stand up for myself and that I didn't wanted to assist him in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use the excuse of wanting to assist my brother to not have to stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the only way to assist him is to assist ALL so ALL can get out of this and psychiatry will be no meore as it exists now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to assist ALL instead of me assisting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to assist ALL instead of realizing that if I cannot assist myself I cannot assist anything or anyone in fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a relationship with the MacBook

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep the Macbook instead of seeing the practicality that = I need money now and I can continue with my activities without it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to return to live with my mother to keep the macbook instead of seeing that within this I am giving up my self directive power because I could have avoided it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need the macbook to do what I have to do of assisting myself instead of seeing that I have another laptop that I can use

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel special for having a Macbook.

My brother. I regret not having stood up while I was living with him this year in my grandma's flat. I think and believe that If I would had stood up for myself there I would have been able to assist my brother so no he would not be in the psychiatric. And maybe it is true but because I cannot change the passed (past) I am using this fact - that I did not stand up for myself - to judge myself and victimize myself for my brother's situation. But because I cannot change it - why am I doing it. - I am doing it because it is easier than stand up for myself NOW in fact, in every moment. I have memories of when we were at our bedroom. I have memories of when we were discussing in the kitchen where I wanted to remain stable - not react - to him asking me and reacting to me because I did not react to him instead of assisting him as me in doing what is best for the two of us - not letting him go nuts in front of me and me doing nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not having 'assisted my brother' this year when I was living with him within my application of assisting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having stood up for myself this year while living with him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret not having stood up for myself in the believe that he would not be in the psychiatric if I would had stood up for myself within assisting myself in living in self honesty - as self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to have assisted myself in the past in the believe that my brother would not be in the situation he is now if I would had done it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself for not having assisted and directed myself in the past because I see that it would maybe had assisted my brother and thus he not being now in the situation he is instead of assisting myself in every moment of breath not conditioned by the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to assist my brother now that he is in the psychiatric instead of forgiving myself for not having assisted myself and him as me in the past

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I cannot assist him in any way if I don't assist myself in the first place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to assist myself to assist my brother instead of assisting myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to obtain recognition for my brother for 'having helped him realizing himself'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to obtain worth from outside of myself in my brother instead of seeing that I am self worth already

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in any way I can help my brother realizing himself - but that I can allow myself and assist myself to realize myself and within doing this I will be assisting him by being an example

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my brother is more than me and thus I have to obtain his approval and recognition

I cannot change the past. I did not stand up for myself while he was living with me so he could see me as an example for him to stand up for himself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not having stood up for myself in the past while I was living with him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to had stood up for myself in the past in wanting my brother to stand up instead of me standing up in every moment that is the only moment I can stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel powerless for not having stood up for myself in the past instead of realizing that I am powerless if I don't stand up for myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stand up for myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use not having stood up in the past and my brother being now in a mental institution - aka psychiatric - as an excuse to blame myself for him being there to not have to stand up in every moment of breath - that is every day, every moment I live

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fool myself and use excuses of not having moved myself in the past and the outcomes of it - real or perceived - to not stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for my brother being in the situation he is in instead of standing up for myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself within blaming myself for my brothers situation because I did not stand up for myself while he was not in the psychiatric and living with me instead of standing up for myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss myself within blaming myself for my brother situation and want to run away from myself because I feel bad for this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad because I see that I could have assisted him as me in me having stood up for myself in the past instead of seeing that feeling bad about this is abusing myself as it is participating and feeding the mind consciousness systems and not who I really am and it is not considering all life equally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to and search for an excuse to not stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feel good about not being standing up for myself now in 'wanting to care for my brother' because I feel bad because I did not stand up in the past and I believe that I could have helped my brother so he would not be in the psychiatric now

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to, in self interest, believe that I am responsible for my brother be in the psychiatric

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use not having stood up for myself in the past and my brother being in a psychiatric now to regret not having stood up in the past to not stand up now

Fear of not surviving and hiding

Today I have allowed myself to hide from myself. In the morning I did not stand up when the cellphone rang, and when I woke up for the second time, I was angry because I thought that it was around midday. I saw that it was not, that I had slept almost 8 hours and it was late morning, not midday. I went to the bathroom and after brushing teeth, peeing, I shaved my head. I wanted to go for a walk/thought about it but after having breakfast I did not, but closed myself in my room, on the computer. From the moment I went to the bathroom this morning I started to think ways of getting money - what to sell to get money, that I had not a job - I don’t have a job - and was worried about my economic future. I watched some videos and Vlogs, now I see what it means to worry about survival and that it can control a being completely. I am not in a position that I don’t have my basic needs covered but the possibility of me not being able to provide for myself is controlling/I am allowing myself to be controlled by it. I have my basic needs covered but if I don’t get a job this month I won’t be able to continue on ‘economic independence’ if I don’t get rid of my Macbook - one thing that I resist much. After a while I went out and bought some food (2 things only) and had to find a way to make the flat payment on the automatic cashier- which left me with less than 200 euros in cash in my hands - after paying one month payment for the flat rent plus another one as ‘reserve’ for the owner to return at the end of the contract - stay. I split the amount, leaving one part in the bank and the other part in cash - just in case I would lose the wallet.

Once at home I ate again, (I ate pasta before leaving) by now it was dark because it took me a lot of time going back and forth from the street/home because I did not did it effectively - and also because -- I forgot to say that I did the cashier payment after resting once I ate before leaving at midday. All in all, I was consumed by the experience of money and allowed it to control myself during my day - and I supressed myself from this by eating and surfing/watching videos on the internet - instead of me doing my school work, doing my ITD course, doing process ‘writting’ and so on - and well - I have fucked myself.

The Equal Money System would stop fear of survival and would make sure everyone has their basic needs covered - and much more.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of being self honest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not surviving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of standing up for myself in not doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to attract attention of other beings because I am not directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into victim mode when I see what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do instead of stopping myself and forgiving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse self forgiveness by eating and suppressing myself in it instead of eating to support my body because I’ve already forgiven myself for doing this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot have self trust because I’ve deceived myself knowing it and being aware of the consequences of my acts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act against what I see is best for all - allow what I know is not what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to be ‘too late’ for me to stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that there is not such a moment where it is too late to stand up for myself - while I am alive - but that I will experience suffering and will manifest suffering in this world by procrastinating on it or doing it half assed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear applying myself in self honesty

- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in eating food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress myself using food instead of sorting out what it is that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is painful doing self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being self honest as difficult

I go to sleep even though I did not clear up this point of today’s dishonesties - I distracted myself with Mac videos on youtube in the middle of writting self forgiveness