Friday

Even though I 'wanted to stop' hiding from myself, today I woke up at midday. When the alarm rang I kept stopping it every time the snooze made it sound. I woke up with the thought of survival: I was worried about a guy that is visiting eating a slice of the bread I have in the shelf I keep my food, and also a tomato can. I was worried because yesterday I gave him of this bread and maybe today he would pick again. I saw how ridiculous this was. I am running out of money and I am starting to have this thoughts. On thursday I was with this guy and I shared my food with him, he is visiting the city and is staying here because a flat mate invites people to come to this flat (Couchsurfing is the name of this practice) and I saw that I was 'taking care of him' instead of me taking care of myself and also I was 'consuming' the money I have while he can buy his own food. And I saw that I have to support myself and, if anyone, support those that stand for and live the principle of What is Best for ALL. I saw that I was taking care of him in giving him instead of me supporting myself - I was going into a relationship with him instead of assisting me and being practical about the situation that is that I have to get money by getting a job instead of worrying for a slice of bread.

I went to school this afternoon and I was going into thoughts so frequently while the teacher was speaking - not getting what he was saying most of the time because I was not there in the class but in my mind.

When I returned home I took some coffee, which is a 'treat'-like thing I am using lately and when this guy showed up I entertained myself with him some time, he was cooking tonight. At the end of the dinner I made coffee - which is something I have been doing, looking for 'good' the best coffee - and want to obtain recognition for those coffees asking the guys at the flat how they like it and if the did like how I did it.

Right now I am hearing noise that seems kissing. I stopped writing and went very quiet to listen, at first I reacted in arousal but then it stopped. There are two female 'Couch-surfers' on the living room and they are couple apparently for what I've understood on the chat I had after dinner with one of them.

Tonight I chatted with a guy that knows me and my brother and my family as well, he is old friend of us and asked how was my brother. At first I doubted what to do but finally I said that he is in the mental hospital - he wanted to visit him and I said that for me it was ok but didn't know my parents opinion about this. I said I would ask my mother instead of giving him her telephone as he asked. I fear my mother's reaction to it because she wanted to keep it secret at least for my grandmother 'so she doesn't suffer'.

I entertained myself after dinner with this guy I was talking of the slice of breath, instead of doing what I know I have to do, so tomorrow I will have to instead of entertaining myself, do the required tasks and speed up my process as much as I can.

In an Equal Money System I would not have to worry about not having food if a friend is coming to visit because it would be enough for everyone. I would not have to fear running out of money either because I would have it in the sufficient amount to live a dignified life.

Also I would not have to fear getting robbed as I did today when two men approached me in the street to ask me for directions because everyone would have all they need to live a fulfilling and enjoyable life. I - and everyone - would be able to have a guitar as well, thing that I can not afford now. And also I would be able to live with animals because I would be able to afford it. More info about the Equal Money System clicking here.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up when the alarm clock rang this morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself and within this hide from myself sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to sleep more than six hours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that it is easier to direct myself in the long run than avoiding facing myself in what I have to do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge getting up in the morning as difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear running out of food and not having money to get more

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with fear of not having money instead of searching for a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be anxious about not having money to pay for ITD and the flat rent and food in the future instead of being here and move practically within self trust

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow fear of not having money to pay for my basic necessities and to support myself effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'having to' go to live back with my parents

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad for not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear applying myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough food to feed me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having enough money to pay for my expenses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to get a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on searching for a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself within the fear of not having money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let not having money control what I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having less food and react to it in fear of survival and then act upon it in telling the guy to not use my food instead of stopping myself and walk the solution of getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the guy visiting here for me running out of food instead of taking responsibility for myself and getting a job

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a relationship with N. instead of me taking care of my needs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in a relationship with N.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not direct myself effectively today in standing up in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide from myself in not doing what I have to do and instead of doing it go into a relationship with the people that is in the flat, coffee and food.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself in going into a relationship with my surroundings and the mind instead of assisting myself practically and effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear saying M. he cannot visit my brother and want my mother to tell it to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong for telling M. that my brother is in the mental hospital

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear telling to M. that it's better for my brother to not see him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to 'be honest' with M. instead of considering what is best for my brother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my brother being angry or my parents for me telling that my brother is in the mental hospital

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to define myself as honest for telling M. that my brother is at the mental hospital instead of seeing what is best for my brother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself within taking the decision of not hiding that my brother is at the mental hospital.