Struggling with the Past(a)

This morning I prepared myself a spaghetti meal from that was left from the dinner. I was eating while participating in thoughts when suddenly I realized something was not right. My esophagus had over-traffic of spaghetti and it was starting to hurt. Sometimes it happens to me that when I eat too much too fast the food gets stuck in my esophagus and slowly and painfully make its way to the stomach - for some minutes I have pain. This time it was with pasta. As the ball of spaghetti was going down my esophagus the pain was increasing. I could not drink water this time to make it pass, it was too risky since the pasta was already hydrated and would not become mushy while I would be exposing me to choke with the water wanting to go to my respiratory conducts if it didn't make it to the stomach, as it happened once - it is very unpleasant, like suffocating.

I couldn't handle it, the pain was increasing in my belly, I stood up from my chair and went outside to the balcony. I bent on my knees i front of the garbage bin and removed from my mouth the part of spaghetti I had still not swallowed. The pain was so much that I thought about going to the hospital - but it was unpractical and a reaction out of fear. I felt like throwing up but I realized that with this spaghetti ball in my throat it wouldn't be easy for anything to go up - I feared the ball remaining stuck in the middle, as it was already half way down it as unpractical for another 'force' to try to make it go up, given the difficulty of the ball of spaghetti to move through my esophagus - furthermore the acid would make the experience even worse.

I had no way out, I had to wait until the spaghetti ball would make it through the stomach. I felt like I was going to suffocate - I was not breathing properly due to the pain and the fear. I forced myself to breathe, it was very difficult because with every inspiration and expiration there was pain - but I couldn't stop breathing!

There was nothing left more to do than forgive myself. And I forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffocating. And I forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to die. And I breathed through it. And the self forgiveness was the only thing I could do. Suddenly the ball reached the stomach and the pain dissipated. I was still on my knees in front of the garbage bin, smelling the shit that was in there. I didn't care, I felt like crying and did it for a moment. then I breathed again and it was all over.

I desired in the past to be in a situation where I had to do self forgiveness - I wanted this situation where there is too much to handle that I HAVE TO forgive myself. I wanted this moment to come where I have nothing left to do than to forgive myself - because apparently I cannot forgive myself. I have resisted self forgiveness and thus desired this to happen. Now I know that all will do self forgiveness - everyone: when the pain is too much to handle and there is nothing else one can do to stop it - if one have to make it through the pain: then there will be self forgiveness. Now I don't require to waste my life until there is nothing left to do other than forgive myself - because I know I will have to do self forgiveness thus I'll better do it now and save myself from the experience.

'Bringing Myself Back to Myself' - Aquatint etching by Marlen Vargas - 2011 ©

Spider Fear

I was at the computer in the living room when my sister and the cat draw my attention. There was a little spider on the floor and the cat was curiously following it. I stood up and said to my sister to not let the cat kill it, I took it and went outside to 'set it free'. When I was about to release the spider on the Aloe Vera plant of the balcony, and while the spider was running on my hands, I feared it going up my arm - so after releasing the spider on the Aloe and was about to return inside to the computer, I went back and looked for it again to take it on  and overcome the fear of ths spider going up my arm by allowing the spider to do it.

I took the spider and it went up my left arm, then on my t-shirt and on to the back, crossing it all the way to go right under my t-shirt sleeve. My sister was behind me describing the way of the spider on my body,  in fear - I could hear it in her voice clearly. I was anxious as well and also in fear lol.  When the spider entered my right t-shirt sleeve my sister couldn't take it anymore and left. I was a bit anxious - and now I didn't know what to do with the spider in my sleeve. Thoughts were running in my mind of smashing the spider in a moment of fear - I would not allow this to happen, I said to myself.  I waited for it to come out but the spider was showing no intention of going out and I feared it would bite me if I pressed the spider into my skin if I were to put my sleeve up to see it. I removed the t-shirt after feeling the spider was on my lower back and thus would not be smashed. From the moment the spider was on my skin I applied self forgiveness for my fears that were popping up  like: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the spider biting me.  I could feel the physical legs of the spider walking through my skin - it went all the way up to my head. I feared absurd things happening like the spider entering in my ear and me not being able to remove it. It also moved very close to the eyes and I feared it biting my eyelids or 'jumping in' the eye. It was cool how the spider would hang itself by a web-thread from my glasses, descend a palm or two and go up again, to my glasses - it did it about tree times, like testing my me = I could see it approaching my face slowly! I assisted myself through breath whenever I wanted to go out the situation by dropping the spider. What I utilized when I saw the points of fear like the fear of the spider biting my eyelids or my skin is the vizualization: I visualized this happening and within it I realized that the spider was very little and the pain would be little -  if this little spider was able to bit  me at all.  Utilizing this tool along withthe breath and self forgiveness I could remain stable without going into fear and running away from the experience. At some moments I enjoyed the funny feeling of the little legs running thorugh my sensitive skin - I could not have conceived it before.

After a while I decided to make a vlog about it - while I still had it on my head.

After the experience I was reacting to the feeling of something touching my skin slightly - this showed that I still have fear or that I suppressed the fear instead of forgiving myself. First layer solved though, now I can take little spiders. To release myself completely I have to self forgive more and investigate this point further.