hi! I am here
I have been picking grapes here at the vineyards - I've been missing breath a lot - and not being effective because of this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here in every moment of breath wile picking grapes
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't be aware of my breath and be effective picking grapes at the same time
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to judge being aware of my breath and working picking grapes as difficult
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I am breath and that I am supressing myself every time I am not aware of it
I will not accept or allow myself to not be aware of myself of my breath as myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'weakening' myself because there are a lot vineyards left to work on
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being overwhelmed by having to pick grapes continuosly during three weeks
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to do self forgiveness from the starting point of 'producing more' instead of doing it for myself as life
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use self forgiveness in self interest as personality - wanting to obtain recognition from my employer for picking a lot of grapes
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to apply self forgiveness from the starting point of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that in not directing myself within breath I am allowing myself to be directed by the mind
I am self direction
I am breath
I am life
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed yself to fear 'losing myself'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can lose myself instead of realizing that I can lose what I really am - common sense
Yesterday I called a friend of my brother to talk to him because he has cheated his gf and I wanted to share the video on it by Desteni - Today my brother called me 'asking for explanations' and I said what I did and why and when he kept wanting to discredit me and judge me I said that I don't have to explain myself and stopped the call - and the cellphone
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother calling back after I've stopped the conversation
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear talkin to my bro's friend in fear of him attacking me and in fear of me changing - having to stand by my words
I forgive myself that I?ve accepted and allowed myself to support my brothers dishonesty by giving him explanation about what I do
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother attacking me
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to talk to my brother just because of this - he being my older brother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to see that I've called my brother's friends by saying what I did to my brother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to talk to his coworker with whom she has problems because I did talk to my bro's friend as I said I had to do
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my brother to walk his process with Desteni
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear saying 'stop' to my brother's personality demons
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that My brother is superior to me because he is older than me
I forgive myself that I?ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to my brother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'brother of Gabriel'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am worthy of socializing with other human beings of banyoles because I am my brother's brother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unvaluable and not worth talking to
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge my brother as cool
I am here
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being grateful with my cousin and his couple because of the opportunity they have offered for me to work and live at the farm with them.
I am gratefullness
I am self trust
I am self worth
I am self discipline
I am breath
today I've not done school work
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not apply myself in doing school work
Today I've had a wet dream when I've sleept in the midday - I've not wake up in the moment I've set my alarm
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to stand up in the moment I' have set the alarm in the midday
Practical application: Breath and be here in every moment of breath wihile working - and always.
Stop my reactions to my brother and talk to him directly from the starting point of myslef here as breath - not from reactions or the mind or mind as thoughts feelings and emotions
Apply myself in doing self forgiveness writtings and writtings and school work and sub4sub - more hours to that
Monday, August 30, 2010
First day on farm / a bit of SF to share on fear
I am here
I reacted with rapid heartbeating and nervousness to talking with G about his dishonesties
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear talking with G in fear of him laughing at me
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear of talking to G is real
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be honest with G
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear G finding this out
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying to G that I was facing myself within talkin to him about his dishonesties
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to fear G to tell my brother that Ive talked to him
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath
Today Ive feared doing self forgiveness in front of my cousin and his boyfriend.
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear doing outloud self forgiveness in front of my cousin and his boyfriend
I forgive myself that I-ve not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of themindof the self forgiveness that I am going to do / that I can do
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not act within fear
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust fear as a reference for not doing in believing that I will be safe if I act upon my fears
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fears protect me
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see that my fears limit me so much when I allow myself to be influenciated by them
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to G tomorrow
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with G
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear G banning me from his 'life'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want G to recognize\validate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from G
I reacted with rapid heartbeating and nervousness to talking with G about his dishonesties
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear talking with G in fear of him laughing at me
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that the fear of talking to G is real
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be honest with G
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear G finding this out
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying to G that I was facing myself within talkin to him about his dishonesties
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to fear G to tell my brother that Ive talked to him
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath
Today Ive feared doing self forgiveness in front of my cousin and his boyfriend.
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to fear doing outloud self forgiveness in front of my cousin and his boyfriend
I forgive myself that I-ve not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally
I forgive myself that I-ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of themindof the self forgiveness that I am going to do / that I can do
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not be here in every moment of breath
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real
I forgive myself that Ive accepted and allowed myself to not act within fear
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to trust fear as a reference for not doing in believing that I will be safe if I act upon my fears
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fears protect me
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to see that my fears limit me so much when I allow myself to be influenciated by them
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to G tomorrow
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with G
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear G banning me from his 'life'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want G to recognize\validate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from G
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Undirectiveness on 24 august
Today I started the day ‘happy’ eventhough I had a wet dream – which I
didn’t remember- because last night I spoke about the fear about me
being gay/the fear about others saying I was gay. This ‘happy yuppy’
distracted me/I allowed myself to be distracted and not be directive
within my tasks (Self forgiveness of yesterday’s writting, school,
sub4sub...) Although I did shave my hair and went for a walk – now I
see that I didn’t have much time, but I ‘wasted’ one or a bit more
hour of time. I noticed it took me 40 minutes to shave my hair! I have
to train myself to do it in less time because that is a lot. At 12:50h
I went to the dentist – I arrived late because I procrastinated on
leaving home – and at the waiting room I was reading an article about
the euro from april this year when greece was having the crisis –
interestingly enough, my left shoulder muscle started to ‘move’ when I
was reading about this. Maybe I have to go and pick that article again
because it is no coincidence. The article, amongst other things,
stated that the only way to ‘refloat’ spanish economy is to improve
competitivity through, inevitabilly, fire a lot of people. After the
dentist I bought suncream and listerine (I didnt have cavities, so the
dentist didn’t perform in my mouth.) I was recommended to have a
cleansing though, but he said that I had it well.
In the moring, I played one moment with my little kittie and got one
big bloody scar on my left hand’s direction finger. (index). I am not
directing myself! And yesterday I got one on my right index finger.
Alarm! Ruben is not directing himself!
How I did not directed myself? With computer. I resisted applying self
forgiveness on my gayests fear - I forgive myself that I’ve accepted
and allowed myself to associate being gay as being weak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act upon the
resistance to apply self forgiveness instead of doing it for myself
It’s interesting how, after watching last Lindsay’s Vlog (on fear of
death and self forgiveness) with which I realised much of self
forgiveness – and I thought I would apply self forgiveness) I did not.
WIch confirms that self realisation without self forgiveness or
practical aplication. means 0.
I did a bit of ineffective sub for sub ( with the opera brouser
without the flashblocker and with my main channel – more ego-driven
than principled driven (well, ego driven - because I reached the 600
subscribers today and I wanted MORE)
It’s also interesting noticing how I’ve noticed that the afternoon was
‘slipping through my fingers’ and yet I thought I would do – but did
not do. I allowed myself to be distacted and to conform with the
thought that I ‘would do’ instead of stopping myself and actually move
myself to get things done.
In the afternoon I found on FB that Andrea had placed a video response
for the video I did called why dont I change. I watched it and wanted
to write it down: the main reason I wanted to type it is because: I
wanted my parents to watch it and be able to understand it
better/translate it (in the case of my father) and another thought
came of (well, this will assist myself in understanding more the
video) The second thought is valid but the starting point was that of
showing to my parents: ‘see, Andrea, who is a ‘long term Desteni
Member’ has ‘made a video response to MY video’ see ‘how well I am
doing’ and also wanted them to believe that I am doing it well with my
process, because I told them that they can’t judge Desteni through my
experience and that I was for the first time/I am starting to apply
the material. But this is not so – and I wanted to use Andrea’s video
as propaganda instead of working on it and what it says – what Andrea
says. Decision: I will not show it to my parents or to my brother .-
By the way: My brother left me a comment on one of my videos with one
of my previous youtube accounts that the three of us siblings used to
upload videos ( I created that account) and yesterday he put this
comment on one of my vlogs saying that ‘Ruben, there is enough of this
story, doesn’t it?’ in catalan. I didn’t reply – but he is saying it
to himself. I wanted to ‘get the account back’ by trying to log in and
change the password but – no way. I will ask him to return it because
I created that account and it has one video featuring myself. If you
want to comment my videos – do it with another account – with your
name – or die.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to
‘recover’ my account from youtube
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother ‘attacking me’ with the account that features a video of
myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying
to my brother that he is saying this to himself and that he has to
stop projecting his shit to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother wanting to ‘discredit’ me in front of my family
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted
Also today in the afternoon I discussed with my parents a bit of
Desteni and I wanted to show them pictures of the farm – Basically I
wanted them to have a nice idea about Desteni.
My father came now saying that the noises I am doing made him awake 4 times. I said I would stop right now. I fear my father. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my father
After moving to my room, I came through 2 past documents I had saved in google docs. One dream and one past experience where I was told about torture and videotaping of torture as a child (10 years old) And that it affected me. I have issues to deal with and I see that continue living as if nothing has happened is really self dishonest /trying to negate what is evident.
I slept 2 hours in the afternoon. I wanted to sleep 20 minutes but did not wake up. I am doing a decision: Stand up when cellphone rings - always
didn’t remember- because last night I spoke about the fear about me
being gay/the fear about others saying I was gay. This ‘happy yuppy’
distracted me/I allowed myself to be distracted and not be directive
within my tasks (Self forgiveness of yesterday’s writting, school,
sub4sub...) Although I did shave my hair and went for a walk – now I
see that I didn’t have much time, but I ‘wasted’ one or a bit more
hour of time. I noticed it took me 40 minutes to shave my hair! I have
to train myself to do it in less time because that is a lot. At 12:50h
I went to the dentist – I arrived late because I procrastinated on
leaving home – and at the waiting room I was reading an article about
the euro from april this year when greece was having the crisis –
interestingly enough, my left shoulder muscle started to ‘move’ when I
was reading about this. Maybe I have to go and pick that article again
because it is no coincidence. The article, amongst other things,
stated that the only way to ‘refloat’ spanish economy is to improve
competitivity through, inevitabilly, fire a lot of people. After the
dentist I bought suncream and listerine (I didnt have cavities, so the
dentist didn’t perform in my mouth.) I was recommended to have a
cleansing though, but he said that I had it well.
In the moring, I played one moment with my little kittie and got one
big bloody scar on my left hand’s direction finger. (index). I am not
directing myself! And yesterday I got one on my right index finger.
Alarm! Ruben is not directing himself!
How I did not directed myself? With computer. I resisted applying self
forgiveness on my gayests fear - I forgive myself that I’ve accepted
and allowed myself to associate being gay as being weak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act upon the
resistance to apply self forgiveness instead of doing it for myself
It’s interesting how, after watching last Lindsay’s Vlog (on fear of
death and self forgiveness) with which I realised much of self
forgiveness – and I thought I would apply self forgiveness) I did not.
WIch confirms that self realisation without self forgiveness or
practical aplication. means 0.
I did a bit of ineffective sub for sub ( with the opera brouser
without the flashblocker and with my main channel – more ego-driven
than principled driven (well, ego driven - because I reached the 600
subscribers today and I wanted MORE)
It’s also interesting noticing how I’ve noticed that the afternoon was
‘slipping through my fingers’ and yet I thought I would do – but did
not do. I allowed myself to be distacted and to conform with the
thought that I ‘would do’ instead of stopping myself and actually move
myself to get things done.
In the afternoon I found on FB that Andrea had placed a video response
for the video I did called why dont I change. I watched it and wanted
to write it down: the main reason I wanted to type it is because: I
wanted my parents to watch it and be able to understand it
better/translate it (in the case of my father) and another thought
came of (well, this will assist myself in understanding more the
video) The second thought is valid but the starting point was that of
showing to my parents: ‘see, Andrea, who is a ‘long term Desteni
Member’ has ‘made a video response to MY video’ see ‘how well I am
doing’ and also wanted them to believe that I am doing it well with my
process, because I told them that they can’t judge Desteni through my
experience and that I was for the first time/I am starting to apply
the material. But this is not so – and I wanted to use Andrea’s video
as propaganda instead of working on it and what it says – what Andrea
says. Decision: I will not show it to my parents or to my brother .-
By the way: My brother left me a comment on one of my videos with one
of my previous youtube accounts that the three of us siblings used to
upload videos ( I created that account) and yesterday he put this
comment on one of my vlogs saying that ‘Ruben, there is enough of this
story, doesn’t it?’ in catalan. I didn’t reply – but he is saying it
to himself. I wanted to ‘get the account back’ by trying to log in and
change the password but – no way. I will ask him to return it because
I created that account and it has one video featuring myself. If you
want to comment my videos – do it with another account – with your
name – or die.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to
‘recover’ my account from youtube
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother ‘attacking me’ with the account that features a video of
myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying
to my brother that he is saying this to himself and that he has to
stop projecting his shit to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother wanting to ‘discredit’ me in front of my family
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted
Also today in the afternoon I discussed with my parents a bit of
Desteni and I wanted to show them pictures of the farm – Basically I
wanted them to have a nice idea about Desteni.
My father came now saying that the noises I am doing made him awake 4 times. I said I would stop right now. I fear my father. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my father
After moving to my room, I came through 2 past documents I had saved in google docs. One dream and one past experience where I was told about torture and videotaping of torture as a child (10 years old) And that it affected me. I have issues to deal with and I see that continue living as if nothing has happened is really self dishonest /trying to negate what is evident.
I slept 2 hours in the afternoon. I wanted to sleep 20 minutes but did not wake up. I am doing a decision: Stand up when cellphone rings - always
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Stop Preaching
(yesterday night, I wrote this in the middle of doing the last post of the blog)
I was saying (out loud for myself) that I would not talk about anything from desteni that I wad not studied.. applied and here I tried to yawn.
I am not a fucking preacher. I am not helping me, others as me or Desteni. Desteni doesn't need fucking preachers but people that apply what is proposed and live by the principles - and it's not that they 'need' it. So. I stop being a preacher (someone who talks about something that has not lived)
I realised that I was talking about self forgiveness to my mother without knowing what it is and, furthrmore, without having applied it for myself and lived it - forgiving myself for real - . I have seen that from my intelectual talk many questions arised in her and as I replied to her I was fuking it up more and more, saying absolute nonsense to her or inexact stuff, that only showed me and her how much I percieved myself to know and how less I know and even less I lived - that one I knew-
Talking about thoughts and the mind, for example. I didn't even knew how to define 'thought' and discussed with her without giving/sharing anything consistent but missconceptions. This 'made her' hold on to some believes she has about thoughts being part of us and needed in order to function in our world. By trying to explain something that I've not lived and that don't know about, I missed the opportunity.. or .. the first time that someone approaches you saying that all you've ever known is 'fake' not real is an opportunity that has to ve used carefully because if common sense is shared the 'receiver' of the message will be less inclined to hold on to believes.. So.. I stop fucking around with this preaching and only will tak what I've lived.
--
after half an hour I said to her that I would not talk to her about anything related to desteni because I didn't know how to explain things/I didn't know precisely and that it would be better if she wanted, to go and see for herself on the webpage and that I could not do 'long highlights' for her. She replyed saying that 'look what you are saying, you are not wanting to discuss it - like me not wanting her to question it (she wants me to question Desteni/be critical if there is something that I see that doesn't make sense to me) I said that I do see for myself and test for myself/will test for myself what is presented in Desteni. But I will stand here, not discussing about the material and talking from the experience, that it's always the best option = an example from one that has lived it-.
I was saying (out loud for myself) that I would not talk about anything from desteni that I wad not studied.. applied and here I tried to yawn.
I am not a fucking preacher. I am not helping me, others as me or Desteni. Desteni doesn't need fucking preachers but people that apply what is proposed and live by the principles - and it's not that they 'need' it. So. I stop being a preacher (someone who talks about something that has not lived)
I realised that I was talking about self forgiveness to my mother without knowing what it is and, furthrmore, without having applied it for myself and lived it - forgiving myself for real - . I have seen that from my intelectual talk many questions arised in her and as I replied to her I was fuking it up more and more, saying absolute nonsense to her or inexact stuff, that only showed me and her how much I percieved myself to know and how less I know and even less I lived - that one I knew-
Talking about thoughts and the mind, for example. I didn't even knew how to define 'thought' and discussed with her without giving/sharing anything consistent but missconceptions. This 'made her' hold on to some believes she has about thoughts being part of us and needed in order to function in our world. By trying to explain something that I've not lived and that don't know about, I missed the opportunity.. or .. the first time that someone approaches you saying that all you've ever known is 'fake' not real is an opportunity that has to ve used carefully because if common sense is shared the 'receiver' of the message will be less inclined to hold on to believes.. So.. I stop fucking around with this preaching and only will tak what I've lived.
--
after half an hour I said to her that I would not talk to her about anything related to desteni because I didn't know how to explain things/I didn't know precisely and that it would be better if she wanted, to go and see for herself on the webpage and that I could not do 'long highlights' for her. She replyed saying that 'look what you are saying, you are not wanting to discuss it - like me not wanting her to question it (she wants me to question Desteni/be critical if there is something that I see that doesn't make sense to me) I said that I do see for myself and test for myself/will test for myself what is presented in Desteni. But I will stand here, not discussing about the material and talking from the experience, that it's always the best option = an example from one that has lived it-.
Dream about my mother, next day made Real - support in process
16 august. At the car with my mother. Recording for my Blog. (she didn't hear what I was saying, me at the back) While transcribing it I had a realization that I would not anymore speak knowledge about process but speak from experience - I put a Vlog about this and it will be an entry 'Stop Preaching' on this blog.
ok
My mother says: 'In some place with shadow I will stop a bit'
ok
what I've been experiencing today... well, yesterday. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself fear my mother hearing me talking to the blog. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother judging me for speaking to the camera. so... I am here. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having an accident ( I removed my seatbelt to breathe comfortably) ok, so today i've slept until eleven thirty (11.30) I woke up when the cellphone rang but didn't woke up, so I slept (counting) nine-and-something hours - because yesterday my mother told me that - noticing I've been, that yesterday I was tired at the morning = I should sleep more today and she said that when I was young, or like a child and I was sick I used to sleep a lot and she would just give me.. eh.. like water and stuff to.. and I would sleep and then.. and regerenate or overcome the sickness. and yesterday I felt a bit sick in the morning. maybe it was.. I thougt that maybe it could be the.. my shutting down of, of the... of the systems of the mind and the, and the mind like dying - or also me noticing for the first time what I am allowing in my body, maybe. and she said me.. my mother said that.. she would.. aah.. she could support me in my process... .. well not.. not -witout this words- but she could help me talking .eh.. or responding.. answering some questions I would have about when I was a child.. ehm.. for example = if I have an issue that I am dealing and I want to ask her about any references about this issue in my childhood she said that she.. she could assist me with this. because I told.. I told her about forgiveness - that it is stopping my reactions and fears I have in the moment, in.. and then also...eh.. searching where they come from.. and forgiving myself also for the first time I reacted.. or for the.. yeah.. for the creating of this pattern or fear that now.. or the.. that.. yeah.. that still is present in the.. that still exists in the present - because of the past- the past experience. and this she said me yesterday. and yesterday in the morning after waking up I remembered what I dreamed about.. and i dreamt about my mother telling me that she knew ah.. or was eh.. was there from the beginning of the creation of me... - but me my presonality or my sistems I understood, I don't remember the exact phrase or word .. and.. this was in the morning. and then in the afternoon.. well in the morning we also went for a walk in the river with my mother.. this is yesterday.. and we talked about .. yeah.. about self forgiveness.. and, and about the equal money system desteni. and at some point, and I said.. talking about desteni that - well she.. we were having different opinions on something related to desteni and.. we were saying different things about .. about one thing of desteni or the equal money and I said: 'well, who has more authority? me that I've been looking Desteni for this - for two years? or you that have not looked anything? // I stated that. I remembered of the, of the hil.. of Bernard speaking to Hilda that she was, well, she was not any authority about Desteni because she had not applied and she had not understood or lived or.. mm... researched about Desteni, really. ah.. In-depth. So I didn't do it either so I was not - I am not an authority (my mother says something and I tell her 'one second') so I told her that = well what I said - about me being anotuhority about desteni its not true, I am not an authority in desteni, in fact I don't know much about it, so this was self honesty, I have not applied, lived all - read all the material. After this common sense and self honesty I shared with her, and she said me that she could help me with this, with my process.. well she could help me (Rosa parks the car at the sie of a wood road and says 'I wanted to comment two things with you' and I say 'ok') with this, with.. talking to me about my childhood and problems I would have now related to my childhood so this is like a dream come true, my dream of the night the next day comes true - is lived - happens - dream come true, thanks to my mother.. she.. has always been there, in my childhood she, most of the time has been there assisting me so = great.
ok
My mother says: 'In some place with shadow I will stop a bit'
ok
what I've been experiencing today... well, yesterday. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself fear my mother hearing me talking to the blog. - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my mother judging me for speaking to the camera. so... I am here. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear having an accident ( I removed my seatbelt to breathe comfortably) ok, so today i've slept until eleven thirty (11.30) I woke up when the cellphone rang but didn't woke up, so I slept (counting) nine-and-something hours - because yesterday my mother told me that - noticing I've been, that yesterday I was tired at the morning = I should sleep more today and she said that when I was young, or like a child and I was sick I used to sleep a lot and she would just give me.. eh.. like water and stuff to.. and I would sleep and then.. and regerenate or overcome the sickness. and yesterday I felt a bit sick in the morning. maybe it was.. I thougt that maybe it could be the.. my shutting down of, of the... of the systems of the mind and the, and the mind like dying - or also me noticing for the first time what I am allowing in my body, maybe. and she said me.. my mother said that.. she would.. aah.. she could support me in my process... .. well not.. not -witout this words- but she could help me talking .eh.. or responding.. answering some questions I would have about when I was a child.. ehm.. for example = if I have an issue that I am dealing and I want to ask her about any references about this issue in my childhood she said that she.. she could assist me with this. because I told.. I told her about forgiveness - that it is stopping my reactions and fears I have in the moment, in.. and then also...eh.. searching where they come from.. and forgiving myself also for the first time I reacted.. or for the.. yeah.. for the creating of this pattern or fear that now.. or the.. that.. yeah.. that still is present in the.. that still exists in the present - because of the past- the past experience. and this she said me yesterday. and yesterday in the morning after waking up I remembered what I dreamed about.. and i dreamt about my mother telling me that she knew ah.. or was eh.. was there from the beginning of the creation of me... - but me my presonality or my sistems I understood, I don't remember the exact phrase or word .. and.. this was in the morning. and then in the afternoon.. well in the morning we also went for a walk in the river with my mother.. this is yesterday.. and we talked about .. yeah.. about self forgiveness.. and, and about the equal money system desteni. and at some point, and I said.. talking about desteni that - well she.. we were having different opinions on something related to desteni and.. we were saying different things about .. about one thing of desteni or the equal money and I said: 'well, who has more authority? me that I've been looking Desteni for this - for two years? or you that have not looked anything? // I stated that. I remembered of the, of the hil.. of Bernard speaking to Hilda that she was, well, she was not any authority about Desteni because she had not applied and she had not understood or lived or.. mm... researched about Desteni, really. ah.. In-depth. So I didn't do it either so I was not - I am not an authority (my mother says something and I tell her 'one second') so I told her that = well what I said - about me being anotuhority about desteni its not true, I am not an authority in desteni, in fact I don't know much about it, so this was self honesty, I have not applied, lived all - read all the material. After this common sense and self honesty I shared with her, and she said me that she could help me with this, with my process.. well she could help me (Rosa parks the car at the sie of a wood road and says 'I wanted to comment two things with you' and I say 'ok') with this, with.. talking to me about my childhood and problems I would have now related to my childhood so this is like a dream come true, my dream of the night the next day comes true - is lived - happens - dream come true, thanks to my mother.. she.. has always been there, in my childhood she, most of the time has been there assisting me so = great.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Bald for equality. My mother gets to know my donation. Engaging process.
This morning I experienced resistance towards studying chemistry. First,in the morning, about 11, my mother told me 'now is a good moment to study chemistry' She was right, but because I had planned to go for a walk in the morning after breakfast - and instead I shaved my head and shoot a video of it- I said that I would do that later. Finally at 12 and something I sat at the table to study but I distracted myself with the camcorder manual until about 1. Then I got a bit angry for not having directed me. I then picked the chemistry stuff and wathced it a bit, but 30 minutes later I was a bit hungry and went off to prepare lunch.
After lunch, I tested some boots that I have to use to work, I did a video of me walking with them and then, whatched the vid with my parent and slept on the sofa for an hour. All in all: now it is 18:41 and I am here writting.
At yesterday's Vlog I said that today I would go trough a topic in self forgiveness and clear it :) And I have the 'topic' now: What happened me in regards to chemistry.
What happened?
I tried to avoid it and distracted me with random things like reading the camcorder manual. Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention. The same happened in the past when trying to do school 'seriously', suddenly the mind starts to activate and 'attak' with thoughts, sleepyness... Funny to experience how sleepyness was gone in the moment that I would give up trying to study/do the homework.
I will not accept or allow myself to be limited by the mind
I don't accept or allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school, allowing thoughts and other mind stuff such as sleepyness and procrastination
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop my thoughts and resistances - fear, sleepyness, desire to procrastinate- when I start to study,do homework, do process or any other moment of breath
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on studying chemistry by reading the camcorders manual
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear passing this course of chemistry in fear of the future and in fear of change
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the university
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of learning chemistry every time I give up when educating myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't educate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ineffective in educating myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the oportunity to educate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in knowing that I will be doing what is best for all and in doing what works best for me to study in order to be effective with school and any other thing I do
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the past to influence me in regards to study chemistry instead of studying it without preconceived ideas and judgements.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult because I didn't pass it in the last two years.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of understanding chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt what to study instead of researching what is the best way to study chemistry in order to be effective with my self study
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for not directing myself when I sat on the table to study and red the camcorder manual instead
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when I didn't direct me with studying instead of forgiving myself and giving myself the opportunity to do it in that moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult instead of seeing it in depth and understanding how it works in order to learn to apply it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'do things right in the first try/time'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to sucess in studying chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to know chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of studying chemistry instead of giving myself the opportunity to study it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have muscle testing to know when I've covered a topic with self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stick with what I thought I wanted to do with regards to going for a walk instead of seeing the common sense of my mother and acting on it doing chemistry at the moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my day to be planned.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by placing importance in something I thought I would do isntead of practically do what's best for my process in every moment - within the principle of what is best for all.
This part of 'what happened?': "Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention."
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give attention to the thoughts of the mind that came when facing chemistry instead of stopping myself, breathing, forgiving them and continue with the task at hand
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let my self directiveness stop when I am faced with a lot of thoughts instead of acting upon it by forgiving every thought, breathing and remaining here as the phisical that is me as life
I forgive myself that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath when writting self forgiveness (see statement above) I am here. I am life. I am breath. I am self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear studying chemistry with regards to studying non-uselful things and ineffectively
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in realizing that I won't accept any bullshit from myself with regards to study ineffectively or studying material that is not useful
I am self support.
I am self directiveness.
I am self awareness.
I am chemistry
I am self teaching
I allow myself to give myself the opportunity to understand chemistry, how it works and how can I apply it in the most efficient and supportive way and in constant checking of effectiveness.
I allow myself to stop the mind whenever I start to study and in every moment of breath
I stop myself as my projections of the past towards chemistry and school
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to con-dition myself in my hability to learn chemistry because of the past experiences with/towards/in relation with it
I allow myself to start again here witout past projections/attachments/fears/experiences with chemistry. I allow myself to start from 'new' in every moment of breath.
I allow myself to be gentle with myself in studying chemistry
I am self care and self gentlesness
I am here
---------------------
21:02 UPDATE
My mother just 'discovered' that I donated 1000€ to Desteni to buy a new farm. She stumbled upon the post where I say I donated and we talked.
I explained her what is Desteni doing, why I support it and why I shaved my hair as well (this point was not very clear as I never really explained it) I stated that I donated because Desteni is doing what is best for all and because I can support it because I am able to work for money. She was supportive with the 'idea' of doing what's best for all but is still 'suspicious' about Desteni itself. She gave/showed me cool points where I've been dishonest: Not moving myself, not going out and meeting other people, my fear of woman... She stated that they would not give me any money (which is not non supportive, because I have to move myself to get money) but, as I said, she supported me with showing me back to me.
SO far, so cool.
When she stated that they would not give me any money, at first I said OK, I can support myself, but then the desire of them taking care of me arose and I wanted to say that 'but you have to see why you will not support me' but I didn't say so: instead I said: well you have to do your process... meaning that she has to see for herself what desteni proposes and then make the decision to stand for all life equally or not, which doesn't mean that she has to give me her money - and furthermore, asking her money that I can move myself to get is self dishonesty, giving my power away, letting them control me through money instead of me being my self purveyour.
Now that I am writting this, she just came and said that with my money I can be supporting some war there in africa -who know's type of statement- and I replied at first that I've been watching it for two years and that I knew that it was not so, that Desteni did videos everyday... but the thing that 'worked' was stating that she was stating that without researching, wich she agreed on. Then she said that even if I donated all, that would support me because I would then realize I have nothing and have to work to get money, common sense here :).
It's cool because she has not been angry at me at any time, just wanted me to explain, and she assisted me.
Today I dreamed that her said to me that she has been 'there' from the start, the words are changed but the situation at the dream was this one: Me and my mother, I saw 2 people having difficulty in their relationship (maybe mother-son, can't remember) but she said that she has been there (I mean, she has been caring/attending/watching/being with me from when I was xxxxx here xxxx equals to something that I can't remember the word but I translate it to the beggining of construction, my 'life' so I interpret this dream as: My mother is a cool 'tool' or is very supportive in my process if I can communicate with her because she can tell me a lot of stuff about me, my construction so I can de-cosntruct myself. Common sensically, she hs seen my 'de-evolution' or 'growing up' so yes, would be supportive to de-construct myself having real comunication with her in self honesty and not son-mother (I resist this relationship so much that it has to be a key point!).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to change her opinion
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want th have the reason
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want Rosa to havea 'nice''good' opinion about Desteni.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'win' when I have a convesation with my mother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can win through another agreeing in what I say
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to do process
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my father reacting in an angry way to the fact that I've donated 1100 euros to desteni.
I am Destonian :) -> Video suggestion
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from other Desteni members for standing up for myself.
At the end of the conversation with my mother, when we agreed to stop the conversation, I told her that I wanted to say one thing: From now on, I would refer/call my parents by their name, so the relationship is berween equals and not a relation son-parent. I also pointed out that this way she would be able to see when I call them by 'mama' or 'papa' maybe I am asking something that I can do myself/I am playing the son role and want to be taken care of... So this one will be assisting. Thanks MarlenVargas for sharing your experience with your parents here and for all the support received since the starting of my process: thank you!
My Vlog. Today's one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n64Z2hVazmQ
After lunch, I tested some boots that I have to use to work, I did a video of me walking with them and then, whatched the vid with my parent and slept on the sofa for an hour. All in all: now it is 18:41 and I am here writting.
At yesterday's Vlog I said that today I would go trough a topic in self forgiveness and clear it :) And I have the 'topic' now: What happened me in regards to chemistry.
What happened?
I tried to avoid it and distracted me with random things like reading the camcorder manual. Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention. The same happened in the past when trying to do school 'seriously', suddenly the mind starts to activate and 'attak' with thoughts, sleepyness... Funny to experience how sleepyness was gone in the moment that I would give up trying to study/do the homework.
I will not accept or allow myself to be limited by the mind
I don't accept or allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school, allowing thoughts and other mind stuff such as sleepyness and procrastination
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop my thoughts and resistances - fear, sleepyness, desire to procrastinate- when I start to study,do homework, do process or any other moment of breath
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on studying chemistry by reading the camcorders manual
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear passing this course of chemistry in fear of the future and in fear of change
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the university
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of learning chemistry every time I give up when educating myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't educate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ineffective in educating myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the oportunity to educate myself
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in knowing that I will be doing what is best for all and in doing what works best for me to study in order to be effective with school and any other thing I do
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the past to influence me in regards to study chemistry instead of studying it without preconceived ideas and judgements.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult because I didn't pass it in the last two years.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of understanding chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt what to study instead of researching what is the best way to study chemistry in order to be effective with my self study
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for not directing myself when I sat on the table to study and red the camcorder manual instead
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when I didn't direct me with studying instead of forgiving myself and giving myself the opportunity to do it in that moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult instead of seeing it in depth and understanding how it works in order to learn to apply it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'do things right in the first try/time'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to sucess in studying chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to know chemistry
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of studying chemistry instead of giving myself the opportunity to study it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have muscle testing to know when I've covered a topic with self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stick with what I thought I wanted to do with regards to going for a walk instead of seeing the common sense of my mother and acting on it doing chemistry at the moment.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my day to be planned.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by placing importance in something I thought I would do isntead of practically do what's best for my process in every moment - within the principle of what is best for all.
This part of 'what happened?': "Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention."
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give attention to the thoughts of the mind that came when facing chemistry instead of stopping myself, breathing, forgiving them and continue with the task at hand
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let my self directiveness stop when I am faced with a lot of thoughts instead of acting upon it by forgiving every thought, breathing and remaining here as the phisical that is me as life
I forgive myself that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath when writting self forgiveness (see statement above) I am here. I am life. I am breath. I am self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear studying chemistry with regards to studying non-uselful things and ineffectively
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in realizing that I won't accept any bullshit from myself with regards to study ineffectively or studying material that is not useful
I am self support.
I am self directiveness.
I am self awareness.
I am chemistry
I am self teaching
I allow myself to give myself the opportunity to understand chemistry, how it works and how can I apply it in the most efficient and supportive way and in constant checking of effectiveness.
I allow myself to stop the mind whenever I start to study and in every moment of breath
I stop myself as my projections of the past towards chemistry and school
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to con-dition myself in my hability to learn chemistry because of the past experiences with/towards/in relation with it
I allow myself to start again here witout past projections/attachments/fears/experiences with chemistry. I allow myself to start from 'new' in every moment of breath.
I allow myself to be gentle with myself in studying chemistry
I am self care and self gentlesness
I am here
---------------------
21:02 UPDATE
My mother just 'discovered' that I donated 1000€ to Desteni to buy a new farm. She stumbled upon the post where I say I donated and we talked.
I explained her what is Desteni doing, why I support it and why I shaved my hair as well (this point was not very clear as I never really explained it) I stated that I donated because Desteni is doing what is best for all and because I can support it because I am able to work for money. She was supportive with the 'idea' of doing what's best for all but is still 'suspicious' about Desteni itself. She gave/showed me cool points where I've been dishonest: Not moving myself, not going out and meeting other people, my fear of woman... She stated that they would not give me any money (which is not non supportive, because I have to move myself to get money) but, as I said, she supported me with showing me back to me.
SO far, so cool.
When she stated that they would not give me any money, at first I said OK, I can support myself, but then the desire of them taking care of me arose and I wanted to say that 'but you have to see why you will not support me' but I didn't say so: instead I said: well you have to do your process... meaning that she has to see for herself what desteni proposes and then make the decision to stand for all life equally or not, which doesn't mean that she has to give me her money - and furthermore, asking her money that I can move myself to get is self dishonesty, giving my power away, letting them control me through money instead of me being my self purveyour.
Now that I am writting this, she just came and said that with my money I can be supporting some war there in africa -who know's type of statement- and I replied at first that I've been watching it for two years and that I knew that it was not so, that Desteni did videos everyday... but the thing that 'worked' was stating that she was stating that without researching, wich she agreed on. Then she said that even if I donated all, that would support me because I would then realize I have nothing and have to work to get money, common sense here :).
It's cool because she has not been angry at me at any time, just wanted me to explain, and she assisted me.
Today I dreamed that her said to me that she has been 'there' from the start, the words are changed but the situation at the dream was this one: Me and my mother, I saw 2 people having difficulty in their relationship (maybe mother-son, can't remember) but she said that she has been there (I mean, she has been caring/attending/watching/being with me from when I was xxxxx here xxxx equals to something that I can't remember the word but I translate it to the beggining of construction, my 'life' so I interpret this dream as: My mother is a cool 'tool' or is very supportive in my process if I can communicate with her because she can tell me a lot of stuff about me, my construction so I can de-cosntruct myself. Common sensically, she hs seen my 'de-evolution' or 'growing up' so yes, would be supportive to de-construct myself having real comunication with her in self honesty and not son-mother (I resist this relationship so much that it has to be a key point!).
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to change her opinion
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want th have the reason
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want Rosa to havea 'nice''good' opinion about Desteni.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'win' when I have a convesation with my mother
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can win through another agreeing in what I say
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to do process
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my father reacting in an angry way to the fact that I've donated 1100 euros to desteni.
I am Destonian :) -> Video suggestion
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from other Desteni members for standing up for myself.
At the end of the conversation with my mother, when we agreed to stop the conversation, I told her that I wanted to say one thing: From now on, I would refer/call my parents by their name, so the relationship is berween equals and not a relation son-parent. I also pointed out that this way she would be able to see when I call them by 'mama' or 'papa' maybe I am asking something that I can do myself/I am playing the son role and want to be taken care of... So this one will be assisting. Thanks MarlenVargas for sharing your experience with your parents here and for all the support received since the starting of my process: thank you!
My Vlog. Today's one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n64Z2hVazmQ
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I refuse to keep quiet
The following text I wrote on 11th August but didn't post, obviously.
I don't trust myself. I resist writing here. I want to postpone to write here. I believe I don't know what to write here. I resist writing this as a diary, explaining what I am doing day by day, what happened to my day, what happened to me during my day. But I realize that by writing how I live I can see who I am an in this correct and change myself!
So: YEYE Here I am
Back from today, starting today! 11th of August.
Today I've woke up and found that my cousin's boyfriend had called me. Yesterday (10th of August 2010) I asked my cousin for a job collecting grapes - the grape recollection stretches from 20th August to 20 September- He had good news: He offered me a job there! Good work conditions and good pay, a place to stay (at their home)... Can't ask for more.
My money conditions right now are this: I received a found because of my status as student worth 3380€ on 22/07/2010. On 26/07/2010 I donated 100€ to Desteni - to buy a new, large farm that will assist a lot more people on their processes. And again, yesterday, I donated 1000€.
I realized that I could go without 1000€ next year, because I will be able to work in Barcelona (maybe) and if not, in the worst case scenario I could go to my grandmothers flat again - which I would better not go, because there I want others to take care of me (my grandmother taking care of me) instead of me taking care of myself. The same day, the 10th, I called my cousin to ask if they had a job for me (we talked about this on July) and because I was in a car on the highway with my parents going to the coast village called l'Estartit and I experienced auditive problems, we agreed on talking the next day, which is this morning that her couple has phoned me offering me the job.
So it seems that I will be replenishing the money I have donated. Great.
However, not so great that I am not assisting me at all in writing or in self forgiveness.
I am here to end this.
I don't want to rant for pages because it is not effective, I will rather ask questions and respond them.
Because if I write here a lot of irrelevant details, I am wasting time and not being effective.
On friday 31th of July I started a job at l'Estartit, this is a long story that has to be written in one post.
End of 11th August text.
I ended it here. I then stopped writting in my blog and doing anything regarding the process of standing up for myself as life
________
Today I moved myself in the morning, with regards to taking care of my physical body (I inujured my right foot on August 4), preparing lunch... In the afternoon I 'fell' because I did not write myself. I slept 1 hour in the afternoon. Really, I don't need it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sleep in the afternoon.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was tired
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pospone writing to the last moment of the day so I don't have to go in-depth into my self and thus not have to change.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to write myself without limitations of time
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in going through the resistances of writting
SELF CORRECTIVE APPLICATION FOR TOMORROW: scheule when I will write, do it, and if any resistance comes up, self forgive it and move on.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to transcend my limitations
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of writting every time I act upon the resistance of writting
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth every time I don't allow myself to write myself without time limitations and other limitations of the mind like shame, laziness and fear
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to see myself in fear of realizing how much I have abused myself by letting myself actu upon my resistances.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going into detail in my self forgiveness in fear of the change that it implies because I will have to stop what I forgived myself for.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue living following my desires and acting upon my resistances, only doing that witch appears as easy and comfortable
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to not want to realize that in acting and moving myself from the starting point of resistances, fear, desire and the mind in general, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved in the mind and thus never experience me as who I really am as life
I don't allow myself to not write myself
I allow myself to write myself in-depth
I allow myself to build self trust
I allow myself to give myself back to myself with self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good presentation of mysef to 'achieve' recognition from others in process
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself in writting today (UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT THAT IS NOW: 1:32AM)
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in doing my writtings
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't write one point of myself and go through it all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear forgiving myself in fear of stopping to exist as what I've existed the last years:
Procrastination, not doing what I know I have to do, regret for not doing what I have to do, shame for what I've done and hiding to escape from what I done. Then fearing self-forgiving myself because that implies that I have to change.
Self correction I have to apply and will give feedback on:
Self writting: Going trough a point/topic/experience and clear it with self forgiveness
Self movement regarding school: Study chemistry: Effectively learn how to formulate
Self movement:Going for a walk in the morning 20-30 minutes. Do you walk after or before having breakfast?
More things I have to do tomorrow: Exercice right foot. Breathe. Post the Blog and the Vlog (unlisted process Vlog).
I don't trust myself. I resist writing here. I want to postpone to write here. I believe I don't know what to write here. I resist writing this as a diary, explaining what I am doing day by day, what happened to my day, what happened to me during my day. But I realize that by writing how I live I can see who I am an in this correct and change myself!
So: YEYE Here I am
Back from today, starting today! 11th of August.
Today I've woke up and found that my cousin's boyfriend had called me. Yesterday (10th of August 2010) I asked my cousin for a job collecting grapes - the grape recollection stretches from 20th August to 20 September- He had good news: He offered me a job there! Good work conditions and good pay, a place to stay (at their home)... Can't ask for more.
My money conditions right now are this: I received a found because of my status as student worth 3380€ on 22/07/2010. On 26/07/2010 I donated 100€ to Desteni - to buy a new, large farm that will assist a lot more people on their processes. And again, yesterday, I donated 1000€.
I realized that I could go without 1000€ next year, because I will be able to work in Barcelona (maybe) and if not, in the worst case scenario I could go to my grandmothers flat again - which I would better not go, because there I want others to take care of me (my grandmother taking care of me) instead of me taking care of myself. The same day, the 10th, I called my cousin to ask if they had a job for me (we talked about this on July) and because I was in a car on the highway with my parents going to the coast village called l'Estartit and I experienced auditive problems, we agreed on talking the next day, which is this morning that her couple has phoned me offering me the job.
So it seems that I will be replenishing the money I have donated. Great.
However, not so great that I am not assisting me at all in writing or in self forgiveness.
I am here to end this.
I don't want to rant for pages because it is not effective, I will rather ask questions and respond them.
Because if I write here a lot of irrelevant details, I am wasting time and not being effective.
On friday 31th of July I started a job at l'Estartit, this is a long story that has to be written in one post.
End of 11th August text.
I ended it here. I then stopped writting in my blog and doing anything regarding the process of standing up for myself as life
________
Today I moved myself in the morning, with regards to taking care of my physical body (I inujured my right foot on August 4), preparing lunch... In the afternoon I 'fell' because I did not write myself. I slept 1 hour in the afternoon. Really, I don't need it
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sleep in the afternoon.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was tired
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pospone writing to the last moment of the day so I don't have to go in-depth into my self and thus not have to change.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to write myself without limitations of time
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in going through the resistances of writting
SELF CORRECTIVE APPLICATION FOR TOMORROW: scheule when I will write, do it, and if any resistance comes up, self forgive it and move on.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to transcend my limitations
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of writting every time I act upon the resistance of writting
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth every time I don't allow myself to write myself without time limitations and other limitations of the mind like shame, laziness and fear
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to see myself in fear of realizing how much I have abused myself by letting myself actu upon my resistances.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going into detail in my self forgiveness in fear of the change that it implies because I will have to stop what I forgived myself for.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue living following my desires and acting upon my resistances, only doing that witch appears as easy and comfortable
I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to not want to realize that in acting and moving myself from the starting point of resistances, fear, desire and the mind in general, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved in the mind and thus never experience me as who I really am as life
I don't allow myself to not write myself
I allow myself to write myself in-depth
I allow myself to build self trust
I allow myself to give myself back to myself with self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good presentation of mysef to 'achieve' recognition from others in process
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself in writting today (UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT THAT IS NOW: 1:32AM)
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in doing my writtings
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't write one point of myself and go through it all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear forgiving myself in fear of stopping to exist as what I've existed the last years:
Procrastination, not doing what I know I have to do, regret for not doing what I have to do, shame for what I've done and hiding to escape from what I done. Then fearing self-forgiving myself because that implies that I have to change.
Self correction I have to apply and will give feedback on:
Self writting: Going trough a point/topic/experience and clear it with self forgiveness
Self movement regarding school: Study chemistry: Effectively learn how to formulate
Self movement:Going for a walk in the morning 20-30 minutes. Do you walk after or before having breakfast?
More things I have to do tomorrow: Exercice right foot. Breathe. Post the Blog and the Vlog (unlisted process Vlog).
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