Bald for equality. My mother gets to know my donation. Engaging process.

This morning I experienced resistance towards studying chemistry. First,in the morning, about 11, my mother told me 'now is a good moment to study chemistry' She was right, but because I had planned to go for a walk in the morning after breakfast - and instead I shaved my head and shoot a video of it- I said that I would do that later. Finally at 12 and something I sat at the table to study but I distracted myself with the camcorder manual until about 1. Then I got a bit angry for not having directed me. I then picked the chemistry stuff and wathced it a bit, but 30 minutes later I was a bit hungry and went off to prepare lunch.

After lunch, I tested some boots that I have to use to work, I did a video of me walking with them and then, whatched the vid with my parent and slept on the sofa for an hour. All in all: now it is 18:41 and I am here writting.

At yesterday's Vlog I said that today I would go trough a topic in self forgiveness and clear it :) And I have the 'topic' now: What happened me in regards to chemistry.

What happened?

I tried to avoid it and distracted me with random things like reading the camcorder manual. Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention. The same happened in the past when trying to do school 'seriously', suddenly the mind starts to activate and 'attak' with thoughts, sleepyness... Funny to experience how sleepyness was gone in the moment that I would give up trying to study/do the homework.

I will not accept or allow myself to be limited by the mind

I don't accept or allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the mind to limitate my effectiveness with school, allowing thoughts and other mind stuff such as sleepyness and procrastination

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop my thoughts and resistances - fear, sleepyness, desire to procrastinate- when I start to study,do homework, do process or any other moment of breath

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on studying chemistry by reading the camcorders manual

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear passing this course of chemistry in fear of the future and in fear of change

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going to the university

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of learning chemistry every time I give up when educating myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't educate myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ineffective in educating myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the oportunity to educate myself

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in knowing that I will be doing what is best for all and in doing what works best for me to study in order to be effective with school and any other thing I do

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow the past to influence me in regards to study chemistry instead of studying it without preconceived ideas and judgements.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult because I didn't pass it in the last two years.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of understanding chemistry

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to doubt what to study instead of researching what is the best way to study chemistry in order to be effective with my self study

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for not directing myself when I sat on the table to study and red the camcorder manual instead

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself when I didn't direct me with studying instead of forgiving myself and giving myself the opportunity to do it in that moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge chemistry as difficult instead of seeing it in depth and understanding how it works in order to learn to apply it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'do things right in the first try/time'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to sucess in studying chemistry

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to know chemistry

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of studying chemistry instead of giving myself the opportunity to study it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have muscle testing to know when I've covered a topic with self forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to stick with what I thought I wanted to do with regards to going for a walk instead of seeing the common sense of my mother and acting on it doing chemistry at the moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my day to be planned.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by placing importance in something I thought I would do isntead of practically do what's best for my process in every moment - within the principle of what is best for all.

This part of 'what happened?': "Once 'hands-on' with the chemistry stuff, I experienced a lot of thoughts coming up - random things that sometimes caught my attention."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give attention to the thoughts of the mind that came when facing chemistry instead of stopping myself, breathing, forgiving them and continue with the task at hand

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to let my self directiveness stop when I am faced with a lot of thoughts instead of acting upon it by forgiving every thought, breathing and remaining here as the phisical that is me as life

I forgive myself that I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath when writting self forgiveness (see statement above) I am here. I am life. I am breath. I am self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear studying chemistry with regards to studying non-uselful things and ineffectively

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in realizing that I won't accept any bullshit from myself with regards to study ineffectively or studying material that is not useful

I am self support.

I am self directiveness.

I am self awareness.

I am chemistry

I am self teaching

I allow myself to give myself the opportunity to understand chemistry, how it works and how can I apply it in the most efficient and supportive way and in constant checking of effectiveness.

I allow myself to stop the mind whenever I start to study and in every moment of breath

I stop myself as my projections of the past towards chemistry and school

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to con-dition myself in my hability to learn chemistry because of the past experiences with/towards/in relation with it

I allow myself to start again here witout past projections/attachments/fears/experiences with chemistry. I allow myself to start from 'new' in every moment of breath.

I allow myself to be gentle with myself in studying chemistry

I am self care and self gentlesness

I am here

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21:02 UPDATE

My mother just 'discovered' that I donated 1000€ to Desteni to buy a new farm. She stumbled upon the post where I say I donated and we talked.

I explained her what is Desteni doing, why I support it and why I shaved my hair as well (this point was not very clear as I never really explained it) I stated that I donated because Desteni is doing what is best for all and because I can support it because I am able to work for money. She was supportive with the 'idea' of doing what's best for all but is still 'suspicious' about Desteni itself. She gave/showed me cool points where I've been dishonest: Not moving myself, not going out and meeting other people, my fear of woman... She stated that they would not give me any money (which is not non supportive, because I have to move myself to get money) but, as I said, she supported me with showing me back to me.

SO far, so cool.

When she stated that they would not give me any money, at first I said OK, I can support myself, but then the desire of them taking care of me arose and I wanted to say that 'but you have to see why you will not support me' but I didn't say so: instead I said: well you have to do your process... meaning that she has to see for herself what desteni proposes and then make the decision to stand for all life equally or not, which doesn't mean that she has to give me her money - and furthermore, asking her money that I can move myself to get is self dishonesty, giving my power away, letting them control me through money instead of me being my self purveyour.

Now that I am writting this, she just came and said that with my money I can be supporting some war there in africa -who know's type of statement- and I replied at first that I've been watching it for two years and that I knew that it was not so, that Desteni did videos everyday... but the thing that 'worked' was stating that she was stating that without researching, wich she agreed on. Then she said that even if I donated all, that would support me because I would then realize I have nothing and have to work to get money, common sense here :).

It's cool because she has not been angry at me at any time, just wanted me to explain, and she assisted me.

Today I dreamed that her said to me that she has been 'there' from the start, the words are changed but the situation at the dream was this one: Me and my mother, I saw 2 people having difficulty in their relationship (maybe mother-son, can't remember) but she said that she has been there (I mean, she has been caring/attending/watching/being with me from when I was xxxxx here xxxx equals to something that I can't remember the word but I translate it to the beggining of construction, my 'life' so I interpret this dream as: My mother is a cool 'tool' or is very supportive in my process if I can communicate with her because she can tell me a lot of stuff about me, my construction so I can de-cosntruct myself. Common sensically, she hs seen my 'de-evolution' or 'growing up' so yes, would be supportive to de-construct myself having real comunication with her in self honesty and not son-mother (I resist this relationship so much that it has to be a key point!).


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to change her opinion

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want th have the reason

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want Rosa to havea 'nice''good' opinion about Desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to 'win' when I have a convesation with my mother

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can win through another agreeing in what I say

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want my mother to do process

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my father reacting in an angry way to the fact that I've donated 1100 euros to desteni.

I am Destonian :) -> Video suggestion

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to obtain recognition from other Desteni members for standing up for myself.

At the end of the conversation with my mother, when we agreed to stop the conversation, I told her that I wanted to say one thing: From now on, I would refer/call my parents by their name, so the relationship is berween equals and not a relation son-parent. I also pointed out that this way she would be able to see when I call them by 'mama' or 'papa' maybe I am asking something that I can do myself/I am playing the son role and want to be taken care of... So this one will be assisting. Thanks MarlenVargas for sharing your experience with your parents here and for all the support received since the starting of my process: thank you!

My Vlog. Today's one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n64Z2hVazmQ