Changes

Today at the last hours of the day I was told that I will have to - along with the other flatmate - leave the flat I am in. The flatmate that was first is leaving due to familiar problems - unexpectedly - and the owner doesn't want to do a new contract. I have 4 days to find a new place to stay. By thursday I will have to be out of this place. I have different options: Going to my grandma's flat again - like last year - or find another shared flat. I have limited money to pay for one month and a half living without family help - and I will be going for it if I don't find a job. I am able to start a new job by the 9th of Dec. because I finish my school morning practices and will only have left my classes 2 days a week in the afternoon.

When E. told me that he has to leave and that I will have to move out I did not reacted at first but in one moment I did reacted emotionally - but I didn't express it. My experience here was that of limitation - me wanting to be nice with them - and I see that this ending is a cool opportunity to stop this and apply myself to move effectively within the system - seeing what will I do = going the easy way of my grandmother 'wanting others to take care of myself' or push through and expand myself in my effectiveness and live 'on my own'

I see I am not effective in my process at all in this moment - this weekend I have seen that I don't do for myself - that I don't direct myself effectively for myself and that during the week I move myself in self interest and in fear of survival.

I went into anxiety also and ate more than necessary justifying that I could eat more if I was going to write about my experience in my blog here but I did not and procrastinated on doing it - so it is also/only self deception.

I have been going to sleep late - yesterday about 4 and today I have slept too much - until 14h - and my day has been that of distraction and avoiding directing myself - and then this happens of: You will not be able to continue to live here. It's cool having this limit set where I have to take a decision and live it practically because there is no way out - I am having to leave this place and then I have to go somewhere else - there is no other option - I can't procrastinate on this - on living this decision :D It's awesome. And I see I don't want to repeat this experience I have lived in this flat - I have not communicated with my flatmates and I have allowed to supress myself in front of them and to be nice and 'adequate' to fit in and be accepted by them. I am glad it is stopping - because I accepted much limitation in here - behaviour, politeness, wanting to be nice all the time with them, saying thank you every time they did something/acted in a way that there was the possibility to say so to be polite - limitation .

I said to my grandmother that I would not go back to his place when I left. And I will not go there because I see that it is not helping me at all nor her because I feed my 'unresponsible child' system and her 'allcaring mother' system - I would rather live with my parents than with her. The thing is to work - I need to pay for my education and it is not practical to live in my parents home 100km from the study place because I have to --- Here the thought of going to live with my mother came and I 'fell' in seeing it as comfortable and went out from continuing to write the blog and went to surf internet but the thought of 'credibility' from me going to live with my mother - it is not of someone standing up for himself - in this I hided from myself - in this realization - and also I went to eat a slice of bread--- I am distracting myself too much and tomorrow I have to go to work early. Will write tomorrow.

Clearing my issues with flatmates

Today I have talked with my flatmate that I had an issue with - he reacted to me having farted in the kitchen and I avoid talking to him, but breathed and applyied a bit of self forgiveness - he was pissed. Today we have talked and with the other flatmate together and I've seen that I did not consider them. I did not consider them in wanting me to remain stable without hearing what they were saying, whithout considering what was best for the two of us instead of what was best for me alone. This is: I wanted to remain stable in breathing and self forgiveness instead of seeing that he was reacting more because he was perceiving that I was ignoring him. I judged him of attaking me and went into defence mode instead of assesing the situation and act in a way that was best for all - not isolating - it was not the answer: It would have worked better to assist the flatmate M. with saying him something/giving him attention and 'calming him down' and express myself and how I experienced what happened about the fart - or find a way to him not go mad within me being breathing/stable. I am not clear about this because I don't know how he would have reacted to other attitude from me but what I see is that by wanting me to remain stable I was not considering him and what he was experiencing and I was allowing him to participate in a system of anger instead of me not fearing him and assisting him in stopping this system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not considerate my flatmate when he came to speak 'shouting' to me in judging him as 'attacker' and 'dishonest' and within this closing myself down and wanting to remain stable in breath instead of assisting him as me in stopping the reaction he had to the fart

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my flatmate as my equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what my flatmate whas saying in judging him as 'attacker' and 'dishonest' for shouting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself t believe that standing up for myself is only ' counter-attacking' someone when I perceive they are attacking me instead of seeing that I can assist them as myself to not participate in that systems

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot 'deal with' my flatmate when he is angry and project anger at me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear when my flatmate came 'in an angry way' to talk with me instead of being here as breath and assist him as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my flatmate M as dishonest because he doesn't supress his anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to surpess anger within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to isolate from my flatmate when he 'comes in an angry way' instead of assisting him as myself unconditionally -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt about assisting him unconditionally - if it is self honest or not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on my flatmate in judging him as a system/program instead of seeing that once I was in his position and I that I have to live the example most effectively so that they have the opportunity to stand up as who/he really is as life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to assist others instead of assisting myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my flatmate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that he doesn't understand what I do understand about feelings and emotions and that I don't have to expect him to be self honest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my flatmate to be honest or else I won't talk with him instead of facing myself in saying what is self honesty and self dishonesty if he is dishonest in his participation with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am isolated and that as long as I remain stable all is fine instead of seeing that I was supressing myself and allowing my flatmates to compound their 'issues' with me for me not facing them and hearing them and sharing myself with them/what I see

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my flatmate to come and talk with me in a 'chilled out way' instead of seeing that I am making up an excuse to not face him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot communicate effectively with my flatmates

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that replying to my falatmate is 'subbmitting' to him

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my flatmate 'consume himself' in anger instead of stopping it by comunicating with him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish in only considering my experience and dont't give a fuck about my enviroment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be egoist in wanting me to remain stable and not caring about the other part that is sharing in the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my flatmate to suffer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care what is the experience of my flatmate about me or in the direct/because of my interaction with me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow others to be possesed by mind systems in their participation with me instead of not accepting them to participate in it when participating/talking with/to me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my flatmate for 'having an issue with me' instead of me seeing that I do have 'issues' with him/I react to him and directed my anger to him in thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about commiting suicide and making it as if he had killed me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to 'fuck him' because i believe he is 'fucking me'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of 'putting some sedative in his alcohol drinks'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to direct my anger to my flatmate/direct it in thought and then blame him for directing anger to me in real life.

I let go of wanting to be accepted

'Fuck my image' is the sentence I used to decide to write here. Because I want to keep my image 'respectable' in front of all desteni members but in hiding I am not respecting myself because it's not just hiding but supressing, not forgiving myself and continuing fucking myself.

Better to go back from where I am now. On my bed. Minutes ago I was overeating in anxyety. I ate 300g of oatmeal with honey - more than 250g for sure because I ate a bit more of a 500g package. And some thoughts popped up. This one: I go to forgive myself to .. I go to forgive myself for others - I think/believe that I have to go and write and forgive myself for my relation with others who are in process. Maybe it's this: I believe I am betraying others in process in not forgiving myself -ok, the fact is that I don't do it for myself - I see as going somewhere outside to mantain a image of myself because otherwise it would be too obvious the self deception or 'gap' from what I perceive myself to be and what I am that I could not stand it.

Revelations here - that I am feeding an image of myself through bits of process sharing here on the Vlog but it's not working because I don't do it for myself - only to feed an image/personality and therefore I allow other personalities as well and I jump from one to another to feel good. In polarity. Some time I feel bad for not directing myself then I go into 'fuck it all mode' and eat. Then I see that I am feeling bad because I ate and not did school work and go into 'process self directive' personality and then I feel 'stabilized again' because it's a fucking polarity.

The thing is to arrange the polarity by playing feeding alternatively one or the other side/personaLIEty

Ok - this is unacceptable because of the obvious consequence of not changing and prolonging my process by playing hide and seek. And in my video of 'hiding in my room' I say what I do when I say fuck it all and hide = fucking all.

I was anxyous because I did not want to do process because I have been dishonest today in hiding from school at midday and also eating a bit too much before going to school at afternoon - and this was because I had to do a task for school and finally did not do it because I entertained myself with other stuff/went slow to do food and clean it afterwards - the kitchen - and then distratcted myself doing coffee and then I watched some videos from facebook to youtube. So I coped with this anxyety with fool - interesting I was going to type food. The fool - acting in absolute knowing of the consequences and in spite of that acting in the way that I don't want it to go/the outcome I fear. Creating the fear - and then ...ok

I am almost disconnecting because it's 3am. or because I don't want to see what was I saying

Acting knowing that what I will experience/get as a consequence is what I know is unacceptable is then a deliberate act of agression to myself. It's the abuse of a inoccent expression that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and abuse myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the expression of life that is me in overeating and doing what is not best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body by overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be kind to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in agression towards myself as my physical body in eating too much oatmeal, honey and/or peanut butter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be doing school work or supressing myself instead of seeing that I can stoop my feelings and emotions and fears and thoughts and that it is the first step to walk in self honesty again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for not having done school work today in eating and distracting myself from my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when I was eating in energy/not to sustain my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to compromise myself in not writting myself and forgiving myself in fear of desteni members otucasting me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear desteni members outcasting me because I have disregarded/outcast myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to outcast myself from Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am unworthy of participating/being with Desteni

I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to not forgive myself for my realizations/use them as a tool to set myself free - to brake free from the programming of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being more fucked up than I am now and to end up int he streets

PersonaLIEty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality of abuser/self abuser/not carer/disregarder of life/overeater/hider

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality of self directive in self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it is in fact what I have allowed myself to become: Abdicator of life/disregearder of life/abuser of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use process to feel bad in-... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use doing process to feel good because I feel bad because i see that my nature/accepted nature is abuse and self abuse - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all abuse is self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I overeat then I don't have to take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from revealing what I did today instead of revealing myself unconditionally in every moment and instead of wanting to avoid consequence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to outcast myself from desteni and fear then doing so - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I want to go in a relationship with Desteni /Desteni members because I am not intimate with myself and because I have outcasted myself from myself and I fear Desteni group doing the same to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sound wise and profound

I reached 1000 subscribers on channel rubenmoutinho at youtube - I red a post there from Giant to stand uf for life too. Cool.

The machine revealing itself - school

After coming from the exam and after having dinner I did not do school at first with the justification that I had worked a lot on school already during the day - I was experiencing then anxyety because I 'did not know' what to do - e.g. what to do self forgiveness on - when I stopped and decided to do school the anxyety stopped because I was in simplicity acting - only that today I started a bit too late and I only did like 1,5 hours - I was disconnecting at the end and cold and just being there to finish the two hours so I stopped and drew some online osho cards to see what I had here - the last one let go the previous ripeness and the first one was supression. I see I was supressing me - it was the moment to go and rest and I could let go of wanting to fit the program - two hours - but I can change in one moment because it is common sense that if I am freezing and falling in the mind and .. is enough to stop and move and let go of wanting to --- I see that it is not wanting to admit that I've not directed myself effectively - not wanting to admit that I have not being effective this time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to admit that I have not been effective today with applying and doing the commitment of doing two hours of school work a day

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to feed my ego and obtain recognition for having done work for 2 hours instead of seeing that I was abusing myself and that it is unacceptable

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to move myself from the starting point of desire/ego instead of moving me from myself as starting point - in breathing

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt what to do - how to direct myself instead of breathing here and seeing in common sense and within the principle of world equality what I can do

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be gentle with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stay cold while doing schoolwork

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here in every moment of breath while doing school work

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to obtain recognition from doing school work and thus doing it from the starting point of energy instead of me in self honesty here as breathe within the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to let go of my ego

Update on my days - Day Loop

I have waken up easely - relatively, it took me 10 minutes to stand up - and directed myself effectively with the task in the morning at the workingforfreeplace. At the time of returning home I went into desire of buying something to eat - I had eaten but not much and also I know I was anxyous because I knew I had to direct myself in applying SF and doing school stuff because I said that I had to do SF this afternoon and I had a class late afternoon. I bought pistachio and ate it - even while riding the bike - risking myself into having an accident - I stopped when I found a bike spot because this way I would get the ride for free - its only 30 minutes free and I spent too much eating pistachio after picking it from the station near the workplace. So I had to wait 10 minutes at that bike station and then I finished to ate the pistachio bag 200g. I felt a bid bad at the stomach and maybe it was a mix of nervousness and

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to give up

I am having a energetic falldown rightnow, as if all my energy is depleted. very intense. Interesting :) It's late: 2:26 and I have procrastinated to do this. Today I have not aten much - but I had some bread 10 minutes ago and also had dinner - letucce and bread with peanut butter - and before that a late bread and peanutbutter too. I will have some more. Ok I don't want to use it to supress myself so here I am.

What happened is that I ate a bit more after arriving home - grapes (sweet) and nuts (but maybe too much nuts) and I was not directing myself within breath. I wanted to 'rest' and I did rest 10 minutes without sleeping - on my bed - and when the alarm rang I set it for 10 minutes more and this I did three times and I don't remember anything but that I found that it was late. And I arrived late at school - exactly the same experience as yesterday, waking up at the same time and arriving there about 1h late. This is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up when the alarm rang

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to do self forgiveness to show others that I am self directive - but in doing so I am only directing myself from the outside thus in a reaction with a desire of being accepted.

I am doing the self forgiveness on paper for myself - will share later

I found out that I blamed my resistances towards doing school work/studying for me not doing it instead of taking self responsibility and doing it.

I found that I believed and used as an excuse to not stop myself that I have to forgive myself for something before I stop it. for example with eating I continued eating believing that it was better than supress it and that I will have to forgive it but because I have not forgiven it I can continue doing it. An obvious mindfuck that is to be stopped

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give excuses to not stop myself when I eat out of anxyiety and not to support my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat to obtain pleasure instead of eating to support my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use self forgiveness to feel good about myself instead of stopping myself and use self forgiveness to make sure that this stopping stands

:)

Future Predictions for Myself

I thought while watching this video about what will I do in the next years - and I thought that I will have to work and study - to have money and to train myself to work within the system to change it. I judged it as difficult and long process and I tried to yawn. But this is what I see I have to do - no other way. Because I need money I have to work and because I have to change myself I have to study. Simple. I will walk this. I will be starting the Introduction to Desteni ITD course wich is the step required to do the Structural Resonant Alignment Course SRAT wich is required to participate in the Desteni Income Plan DIP. I encourage you to take on this journey too.

This is about changing myself to 'take on' the world within a group, standing for it within the principle of what is best for all = love thy neighbour as thyself = implanting Equal Money For All in implementing the Equal Money System.

See http://www.desteni.co.za
And http://www.desteni.co.za/forum

End of the cycle

End of the cycle

Today has been the 'end of the cycle' with the current procrastination at school i.e. the day of the exam. I have to write more about this tomorrow - how have I experienced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not waking up tomorrow morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not beig able to go to the practices'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe tht I can't direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I don't hear the alarm

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am safe if I continue sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide within sleeping - in sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to the tought that my father does the same of hiding sleeping

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to see that I have become my father

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'it is me' who wants to not face myself and instead continue sleeping instead of realizing that it is systems from my parents that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to sleep more than 4 hours

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to sleep 'at least 6 hours' to be able to wake up and stand up in the morning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist standing up in the morning when I wake up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am able to stand up even if I resist it so much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my resistances are 'more' than my self will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot stand up to my resistances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can hide sleeping instead of realizing in common sense that it only compounds what is to be faced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make my process more difficult when I oversleep

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking through standing up in the morning - I am self will

Tomorrow I will stand up after I wake up

I will not accept or allow myself to continue sleeping or on the bed lying

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I am self will

I am here

What happened today is: I fell to my resistances with school and did not face myself. I went to the exam without studying and one hour later because when it was 1hour to go I lied on my bed and tried to sleep to disconnect from having to do anything and so because I did not set up the alarm I woke up late and I arrived 1 hour later to the exam. The teacher said 'you always arrive late' and I said yes - this pattern exist since I was about 15. I started to do the exam - I was doing well but I had not enough time. Maybe I would have passed it with more time! And it is funny (I deleted funny but will leave it here) that I was resisting studying and maybe it was not necessary to pass the exam but because I did not study I feared failing and I resisted going to the exam and did not want to go so I slept when I had to study and arrived late and will be suspending it because of that. So I see that I have to stop myself but I arrive here at home and eat dinner then I come to my room and because I thought I have to do something I enjoy I go and watch some youtube videos and other random stuff - I see that I have to direct myself but I don't and time goes by - my lower leg hurts a bit = self movement - I don't move myself, my direction finger - don't remember but I think yes - also hurts a bit and I remember' I have to move myself but I ignore it... More time and here I am 3:03 writting here. 15 minutes ago I was at the kitchen becau... overindulging with food - and there I remebered of Lauri's video on the middle road ''he said that midleroaders would resist desires but when it is too much they will fall/give into and because they resist a bit they think they are in control or somehow different than those that are not in process - somehting like this. (didn't say anything about process, I did) So that's why at the beginning I wanted to procrastinate about writting abotu the end of the cycle because I have a picture of myself here that is rather unpleasant for myself to say the least. At the end of the exam I was calmed and I started to project the feeling and thoughts of 'I will to well this time' and it is not true - I cannot trust anything but what I am doing in the moment. Here I am writting - I am here writting and I am grateful that I am here and cannot be certain of anything that will come next because I cannot trust myself in the future because I have not proven myself that so here I am and that's it.

Tomorrow I have to go to practices and I am resisting it because today I had to go and did not and yesterday as well with the excuse to have to study and yesterday I lied telling that I was not feeling good and was not able to go because of my tooth operation on monday. Today I did not call there so I am possibly facing in the future some kind of bad feedback about it by my tutor

I am also worring about money because I see that this is running out - I have to sell stuff I have bought and have to find a job wich is something I am not doing and I fear not finding one

What I am doing is - I wanting to compensate the polarity good and bad here.. I stop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am something different when I direct myself and when I don't

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the personality of 'I don't give a fuck' when I don't want to face myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality of I don't give a fuck

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately not face myself within school

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to take revenge with school because of my past and having to repeat it by not doing anything school-related instead of seeing that it is only self abuse and I can't change anything from the past by continuing not wanting to participate in it

I remember when I was a kid that we went to live with other families in a big house and my mother wanted to do maths subject because we were not going to school but did sort of homeschooling which in fact was not doing anything - so my mother wanted to teach maths to me and I resisted it so much and I think it is because I blamed her for me being there and because I was not enjoying it - I was not enjoying being there with older kids and teens and some of them were abusive/authoritary thinking/believing that they where more than me because they were older and that I was a piece of shit because i was a little kid - less age than them. So I remember that my mother wanted me to do some operations but I ended up running away from her and not wanting to do anything - and I believe I don't like maths

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for being at the multifamily house

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not talk with my mother about my experiences at the house when I was a kid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the answer to 'how I would have sorted my situation with my mother back then' instead of seeing what it is that I react to of my past and to people

I forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to want to not apply self forgiveness --- practicaly I have to stop because it's late but I am glad I have at least written something

I am commiting myself to write self forgiveness on the points above when I have the opportunity to do so - the point of school I will apply self foriveness tomorrow after eating at midday and resting a bit.

3:44

Excuse to not do self forgiveness - I can't sleep - I feel my stomach feeling bad

I forgive myself for acce`ting and allowing myslf to fear ging to the practices

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here in every moment ofbreath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear passing this course

- I stopped there but there is more to do obviously - Will do

Coffee is great

I like coffee, it tastes great when it's at room temperature. It's like I have never 'recently' allowed myself to enjoy anything, always trapped in the 'have to do's' and seeing how my life goes by and it is still the same in essence. Instead of me enjoying what it is here I have become an anxyious being fearful of the consequences of not directing myself. I have missed something here, obviously. I am not accepting what I am experiencing as how life is. How have I come to this point? To describe it first: It is the point of being always projecting in my mind that I have to do something that is not what I am doing at the moment -> going into anxyety -> wanting to escape this feeling -> distracting myself with anything I can but not enjoying myself within it -> being directed by energy instead of being ME the starting point. ME, I wrote it big, something I have supressed so extensively that I cannot see it but in a little few moments and I am not sure that it is fully ME. Maybe playing music and enjoying it I am experiencing a bit of myself but when I participate in any fear, reaction, emotion, thought then I am not Here anymore because these things are not who I am. I am here as the breath. Breath is equal in all life : plants, animals, humans breathe. I can direct myself effectively when I am moving myself within being aware of my breath and the physical world. If I am not aware of my breath and somewhere that is not in the physical world then I go into energy states and experience ups and downs. Things are simple when I am breathing and can be extremely difficult when I am not aware of my breathe. I am possessed when I am not directing myself within breathe. This possesion can be wether moving myself to do something or remain in my room 'locked up'. For example, having a thought of a guitar, desiring buying a guitar and go through dozens of webpages searching a guitar instead of seeing within my practical situation in this world if I can afford to buy one guitar first. Because maybe the priority in my reality is not buying a guitar but studying the grade I have started and commited myself to do or search for a job or take a break and go to the toilet or have something to eat. This assesment of reality is required because I have certain needs that must be covered as a part of being a human being here on earth: Having a place to live, food to eat, education, communication with other beings, intimacy with myself, enjoyment - 'free time'. At this moment money is required for the basic needs to be covered, and education is required to attain money. Studying is required to get a grade and a grade is required to get a job in most of the cases. I have to be able to function in the system in order to support myself within my basic needs. Otherwise I am subject to someone else and thus slave to this person. Within participating in the mind in energy I have missed supporting myself. I have become extremely uneffective with my school tasks and job that I am doing for education pruposes. I have seen by myself that I can be extremely effective within directing myself in breathe when I was working last September collecting grapes - I saw how my effectivity decreased while participating in thoughts to the point of being at the line of being fired and at the last moment being able to - within breathe - become effective to the point of my employers offering me work for next year's campaign. I am stopping myself. In every moment. It's not valid to project what I have to do. It is not valid to say I will do. It is not valid to blame myself for not having done anything or not being in the moment doing what is required to be done within assesment of this reality. It's not me that am fucked if I don't direct myself in supporting myself to be effective within this reality - it is also millions of people that are not able to support themselves and that require us people in the 'first world' to move within the system to implement a different one that support all life. This system is possible and we can agree to it, it is the Equal Money System. To live within the principle of 'what is best for all' is required for me to change to be able to walk within it. I do what is best for all within educating myself to work within the system - otherwise I am not able to have a say in it. I do what is best for all in getting a job - because I will be able to support the EMS in it's implementation because I willhave the money to invest in myself to do it. It seems that too much often I forget this realizations because I don't move myself to do it. I allow myself to participate in fear and within this not move myself - there is a way to stop this fears, to work with myself to overcome this resistances to practicaly walk the realizations I have - it is the process of alignin myself to who I really am: stopping the mind to find out. Desteni offers the tools to do this and there is a lot of people applying them and sharing their process and realizations in Vlogs and Blogs.

I am officially sharing my process here in this Blog and in my youtube channel.

Thanks for reading