I let go of wanting to be accepted

'Fuck my image' is the sentence I used to decide to write here. Because I want to keep my image 'respectable' in front of all desteni members but in hiding I am not respecting myself because it's not just hiding but supressing, not forgiving myself and continuing fucking myself.

Better to go back from where I am now. On my bed. Minutes ago I was overeating in anxyety. I ate 300g of oatmeal with honey - more than 250g for sure because I ate a bit more of a 500g package. And some thoughts popped up. This one: I go to forgive myself to .. I go to forgive myself for others - I think/believe that I have to go and write and forgive myself for my relation with others who are in process. Maybe it's this: I believe I am betraying others in process in not forgiving myself -ok, the fact is that I don't do it for myself - I see as going somewhere outside to mantain a image of myself because otherwise it would be too obvious the self deception or 'gap' from what I perceive myself to be and what I am that I could not stand it.

Revelations here - that I am feeding an image of myself through bits of process sharing here on the Vlog but it's not working because I don't do it for myself - only to feed an image/personality and therefore I allow other personalities as well and I jump from one to another to feel good. In polarity. Some time I feel bad for not directing myself then I go into 'fuck it all mode' and eat. Then I see that I am feeling bad because I ate and not did school work and go into 'process self directive' personality and then I feel 'stabilized again' because it's a fucking polarity.

The thing is to arrange the polarity by playing feeding alternatively one or the other side/personaLIEty

Ok - this is unacceptable because of the obvious consequence of not changing and prolonging my process by playing hide and seek. And in my video of 'hiding in my room' I say what I do when I say fuck it all and hide = fucking all.

I was anxyous because I did not want to do process because I have been dishonest today in hiding from school at midday and also eating a bit too much before going to school at afternoon - and this was because I had to do a task for school and finally did not do it because I entertained myself with other stuff/went slow to do food and clean it afterwards - the kitchen - and then distratcted myself doing coffee and then I watched some videos from facebook to youtube. So I coped with this anxyety with fool - interesting I was going to type food. The fool - acting in absolute knowing of the consequences and in spite of that acting in the way that I don't want it to go/the outcome I fear. Creating the fear - and then ...ok

I am almost disconnecting because it's 3am. or because I don't want to see what was I saying

Acting knowing that what I will experience/get as a consequence is what I know is unacceptable is then a deliberate act of agression to myself. It's the abuse of a inoccent expression that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and abuse myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the expression of life that is me in overeating and doing what is not best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body by overeating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be kind to my physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in agression towards myself as my physical body in eating too much oatmeal, honey and/or peanut butter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be doing school work or supressing myself instead of seeing that I can stoop my feelings and emotions and fears and thoughts and that it is the first step to walk in self honesty again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to take responsibility for not having done school work today in eating and distracting myself from my reality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stop myself when I was eating in energy/not to sustain my body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to compromise myself in not writting myself and forgiving myself in fear of desteni members otucasting me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear desteni members outcasting me because I have disregarded/outcast myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to outcast myself from Desteni

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am unworthy of participating/being with Desteni

I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to not forgive myself for my realizations/use them as a tool to set myself free - to brake free from the programming of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being more fucked up than I am now and to end up int he streets

PersonaLIEty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality of abuser/self abuser/not carer/disregarder of life/overeater/hider

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the personality of self directive in self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that it is in fact what I have allowed myself to become: Abdicator of life/disregearder of life/abuser of life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use process to feel bad in-... I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use doing process to feel good because I feel bad because i see that my nature/accepted nature is abuse and self abuse - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that all abuse is self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I overeat then I don't have to take responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from revealing what I did today instead of revealing myself unconditionally in every moment and instead of wanting to avoid consequence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to outcast myself from desteni and fear then doing so - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I want to go in a relationship with Desteni /Desteni members because I am not intimate with myself and because I have outcasted myself from myself and I fear Desteni group doing the same to me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to sound wise and profound

I reached 1000 subscribers on channel rubenmoutinho at youtube - I red a post there from Giant to stand uf for life too. Cool.