Not fuck you to myself this time

Hello. Hello!

Fuck I am fucking up with myself. I realize I will be here living for years. I see I will be with myself for a long time and my experience at the moment is shit as fuck. I want to stop it, no more hiding from myself as I am tired of this. And I have many fears of not getting myself to self honesty but what the fuck, if I don't start I can be certain of that.

Self forgiveness, that is what I have to apply. That is what I am not doing and I am ready to do it. I autorize and allow myself to forgive myself Yey!

I will start with writing out what I wrote on my notebook today morning and yesterday at night, and will apply self forgiveness on the points I wrote.

23-3-11
'I am writing out at night. Today I went to the dentist. When the doctor pulled my wodsdom tooth I was anxyous. It hurt a bit and an interesting thing happened. I got very dizzy and at one moment I looked at the doctors standing at my sides not knowing anything of who I was and most promient, who they were. I laughed, I laugh as a protection mechanism. I am afraid of vulnerability. The tooth extraction was at the morning and during the afternoon I had thoughts of this and reacted to them in fear/nervousness/discomfort. The memory comes up of the moment the doctor toke my legs with the arms to make the blood go to my head. In that moment I was sustaining the weigh of my legs not allowing myself to be helped, fearing her not being comfortable. After some seconds she said something and I relaxed the legs.

I am at the morning – woke up minutes ago.
I should continue with writing out my day.

Should I expand on 'not allowing myself to be helped? I had an experience about this point that now came up in thought. This summer while at a farm I descended into a dwell where water was stored to remobe objects that were accumulating there. On my way back to the top I told the person tat was pulling me out with a rope to stop and I tried to continue climbingw with my arms alone. I was not able to move myself up, I hadn't the strength.

I see I react when someone is assisting me, but I have the example of living with my parents now. I did reactto the fact of being with them again and I judged myself as less worth for this. Were do I feel less worth? I see I believe that being helped is a sign that I am weak, that I can't do it by myself and I judge myself for that as less than the other person. I feel attacked, my ego is attacked. I don't want to see how I can't do something for myself 'by myself alone' and within this I deny support from others because I don't ant to see it and keep believing that I can do it by myself, deluding myself.

I can see how stupid is that, that I want to keep my ego – self image as 'able to do something by myself' and I become dishonest with myself in believing that if I don't get helped I will be able to do it by myself. I haveto realize that only through supporting and assisting eachother will we get out of the mind. I allow myself to e helped because first of all, there are a lot of things I can not do only by myself. The ego, image I have of myself won't assist me in real life problems and is thus useless. I see this point is a competition point, wanting to get energy from my actions. I want to feel good for having done something by myself, to be able to get recognition from, and in being helped I have no energy 'positive' but 'negative' in judging myself as 'incapable'.
This is the word I react to, incapable. I judge myself as incapable of doing something and less than the person that is helping me: this myght be the reaction I as a defined child want to prove to my mother that I can do things by myself and have to be recognized for it. Within this, when I can't do something by myself I have failed and have to judge myself as punishment.

This is linked to survival and thus the fear of not making it, fear of death.

Is certain that I will die and whenever I see I can't do something by myself I will allow myself to be helped because otherwise I will be actively sabotaging myself to hold on the opinion believe about me that I have to be strong, capable, independent. I am abusing the definition of these words, I am not standing, I am not, I have a fucked up definition of these words and use them to feed, praise my ego believing I will lose those attributes or 'must have definitions' if I 'have to' get helped. I see though that I am abusing these words by defining them to my own personal interest in believing that as long as I do things by myself I will not lose or I will be those definitions.

Self forgiveness

1.I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to laugh as a defense mechanism when I feel vulnerable or don't know what to do instead of being a expression from myself


2.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear experiencing pain when I was about to get my wisom tooth removed


3.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anxious because I am going to get a tooth removed


4.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain


5.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of getting my tooth removed and react to it in anxiety


6.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for nearly passing out after the doctor started to pull my tooth


7.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to be strong and not get moved by getting my tooth removed because if I do I am weak


8.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed for having to have the doctors helping me when I had the shock, putting my legs high and moving air to my face


9.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the doctor putting my legs up with her arms and want to sustain them by myself eventhough I was not in a position of doing physical effort


10.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I have to be helped, I am weak
11.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak for nearly passing out and having to be assisted by the doctors
12.

13.I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less worth for living with my parents


14.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be ashamed because I am living with my parents


15.I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that being helped is a sign that I am weak and within this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disregard and not allow myself to be helped without judging myself for it and judge myself as less than the person that is assisting me if I get helped


16.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel attacked when someone offers to help me in believing that I will lose self worth and will be less than the other person, comparing myself to the person that can assist me instead of being grateful for it


17.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not walk practicality in allowing myself to get helped so I can move on and eventually help other people too


18.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to preserve the self image of capable in believing that admiting I can't do something by myself is a sign of weakness and of 'uncapability' instead of practically seeing what is best for all, to get helped and continue with the next task


19.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately deny assistance from others to not have to change myself


20.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hide from myself that I can't do something and deny someone to help me so I can continue believing that I am able to do that if I want


21.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to get positive reinforcement for what I do and within this not move myself to do something with help as I feel unworthy of recognition and thus I am not interested in doing it because I don't get energy from it or self gratification as high ego


22.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need recognition in order to move myself


23.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move myself if I don't see the opportunity to get recognized for it


24.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have failed if I can't do something by myself and within this failure I have to judge myself as less than the person that helped me and weak as punishment for not being able to do that by myself


25.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear seeing I can't get away with what I have to do, with life, by myself and that I need interaction with other beings in order to move effectively


26.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother to be happy about what I do in life and to recognize myself and judge myself as capable and strong


27.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective and capable of doing something I want to do and having to rely on someone else because then I have to interact with them and judge myself


28.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to judge myself if someone helps me


I will continue tomorrow, thanks.

Ok, now it's the morning and I am here again.

Continuing self forgiveness after the text I wrote yesterday before going to sleep.

I have a feeling in my stomach, I will write a bit about my day. I had done a planning for today but I didn't follow it. The plan was again school. Instead of studying in the morning, I allowed myself to be lazy and sleep. I had an appointment with a local work agent of the town council that helps people find jobs and I did not go. I justified it in my mind with the excuse that I had not done the curriculum properly to show it to her and get feedback and that I was going late (I entered the shower 15min before the time I had to be 2km from home) All in all, I didn't go and I allowed myself to continue a form of self depression during all day. This depression being as an excuse to not move myself, because it is comfortable. Events happened with G, where I reacted to him treating the cat in a nasty way. I judged him as mad, stupid. I feared the cat having psychological issues for him harrassing it but it was not phisical attack what he did. The fact is that I reated to it with a lot of fear and I attacked him back. At midday I ate very much, to supress myself. At the afternoon I pretended to be studying but I was navigating with the cellphone. I wanted to appear as if I was working to my family. I had a meeting with my parents and brother and because I had not done school work today or yesterday eventhough I had it planned, we have agreed that my brother will assist me with it. The last time he did assist me I used this to discharge my responsibility on him, abusing the situation and allowing him to do all the work and working very slow, wasting our time. To not repeat it I will apply self forgiveness here and apply it practically tomorrow because that is unacceptable. I also reacted to G more times today, the most prominent one was after having lunch, about two hours later I was at the bed resting and procrastinating and he started to throw coins at my back and I reacted with much anger, yelling at him to stop and when he approached close and continued with the teasing I was trowing punches to where he was at my side to make him leave. It was very uncomfortable feeling. And it is unacceptable too. After having dinner I wanted to keep distracted to not do my school work and I decided to procrastinate reading a book. Unacceptable. I was, after deciding I would work with my brother, procrastinating.

Continuation of self forgiveness for the text before this one.

29.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the word strength by defining it to my personal interest in order to feed my ego
30.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that strength comes from being able to do things by myself only
31.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will not be strong but weak if I do get help
32.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed my ego by not allowing myself to be helped in order to maintain the opinion about myself that I am strong
33.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that getting help, allowing myself to be helped means that then I am uncapable of doing that and inferior to the being assisting myself
34.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself when I am not able to do something by judging myself as weak and uncapable of doing so and at the same time fooling myself by believing I can do it if I want to feed my ego and dont see that I can't do it alone
35.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that not being able to do a task alone means that I am unable and thus less and weak
36.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being weak and less than other people
37.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak and unable to do the things I can't do by myself
38.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that independent means that I can do all things by myself

Self forgiveness for the last text

1.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up excuses as to why not go to the work agent instead of going there or deciding to not there but not making as if I want to go there but then it's too late


2.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy and sleep at the morning and during the day instead of applying myself in walking my day plan


3.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to G chasing the cat and treating it in a nasty way instead of directing myself in stating that I won't allow this behaviour


4.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to G treating the cat in a nasty way in fear of the cat getting hurt at some level, physical or pshychological


5.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attack G verbally and physically when he was treating the cat in a nasty way instead of breathing and directing the situation from the starting point of stability and what is best for all


6.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insult G because he is treating the cat in a nasty way


7.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use lazyness to not take responsibility for myself


8.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to G throwing coins at me and teasing me


9.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to G teasing me in an angry way instead of accepting that I was being dishonest and he was telling me that and instead of that attack him


10.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself do deceive myself and others in acting as if I had not being sleeping when my father came back from work and I woke up

11.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that in making my father believe I am applying myself I am benefiting when in fact I am only deceiving myself and fucking with myself


12.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do the work I had planned for today instead of breathing and do it step by step, word by word.


13.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use fear of failure as an excuse to why I have not done school work today


14.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused my brothers assistance in the past when he assisted me with school work, allowing him to work much more than me and not being here focusing on the task but relying on him to do it for me


15.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my brother in wanting him to do the work of studying a 'easy path' for me with his work and effort.


16.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my brother from granted


17.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take myself for granted


18.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can deceive others in not doing school work but making it seem I am instead of realizing that there is no deceive but self deceive


19.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to use my brother's work to not have to take full responsibility for my shool work and exames


20.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall at living the words I speak in not walking the planning I had done for myself today and yesterday


I am here. I am self worth. I am self direction. I am self responsibility.
I direct myself to focus myself on school and not allow myself to use my brother to work less but as a tool to work more than I could do alone, I will not accept or allow myself to abuse my brother's assistance as I realize that all abuse is self abuse as I am him and I have to stand one and equal to him and honour me as him.
I am self honour. I am self trust. I am self love. I am self care. I am gentleness. I am directiveness