I refuse to keep quiet

The following text I wrote on 11th August but didn't post, obviously.

I don't trust myself. I resist writing here. I want to postpone to write here. I believe I don't know what to write here. I resist writing this as a diary, explaining what I am doing day by day, what happened to my day, what happened to me during my day. But I realize that by writing how I live I can see who I am an in this correct and change myself!

So: YEYE Here I am

Back from today, starting today! 11th of August.

Today I've woke up and found that my cousin's boyfriend had called me. Yesterday (10th of August 2010) I asked my cousin for a job collecting grapes - the grape recollection stretches from 20th August to 20 September- He had good news: He offered me a job there! Good work conditions and good pay, a place to stay (at their home)... Can't ask for more.

My money conditions right now are this: I received a found because of my status as student worth 3380€ on 22/07/2010. On 26/07/2010 I donated 100€ to Desteni - to buy a new, large farm that will assist a lot more people on their processes. And again, yesterday, I donated 1000€.

I realized that I could go without 1000€ next year, because I will be able to work in Barcelona (maybe) and if not, in the worst case scenario I could go to my grandmothers flat again - which I would better not go, because there I want others to take care of me (my grandmother taking care of me) instead of me taking care of myself. The same day, the 10th, I called my cousin to ask if they had a job for me (we talked about this on July) and because I was in a car on the highway with my parents going to the coast village called l'Estartit and I experienced auditive problems, we agreed on talking the next day, which is this morning that her couple has phoned me offering me the job.


So it seems that I will be replenishing the money I have donated. Great.

However, not so great that I am not assisting me at all in writing or in self forgiveness.


I am here to end this.

I don't want to rant for pages because it is not effective, I will rather ask questions and respond them.


Because if I write here a lot of irrelevant details, I am wasting time and not being effective.


On friday 31th of July I started a job at l'Estartit, this is a long story that has to be written in one post.


End of 11th August text.


I ended it here. I then stopped writting in my blog and doing anything regarding the process of standing up for myself as life









________

Today I moved myself in the morning, with regards to taking care of my physical body (I inujured my right foot on August 4), preparing lunch... In the afternoon I 'fell' because I did not write myself. I slept 1 hour in the afternoon. Really, I don't need it

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sleep in the afternoon.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was tired

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to pospone writing to the last moment of the day so I don't have to go in-depth into my self and thus not have to change.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to write myself without limitations of time

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself in going through the resistances of writting

SELF CORRECTIVE APPLICATION FOR TOMORROW: scheule when I will write, do it, and if any resistance comes up, self forgive it and move on.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity to transcend my limitations

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incapable of writting every time I act upon the resistance of writting

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not worth every time I don't allow myself to write myself without time limitations and other limitations of the mind like shame, laziness and fear

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to see myself in fear of realizing how much I have abused myself by letting myself actu upon my resistances.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear going into detail in my self forgiveness in fear of the change that it implies because I will have to stop what I forgived myself for.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue living following my desires and acting upon my resistances, only doing that witch appears as easy and comfortable

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to not want to realize that in acting and moving myself from the starting point of resistances, fear, desire and the mind in general, I am allowing myself to remain enslaved in the mind and thus never experience me as who I really am as life

I don't allow myself to not write myself

I allow myself to write myself in-depth

I allow myself to build self trust

I allow myself to give myself back to myself with self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to have a good presentation of mysef to 'achieve' recognition from others in process

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself in writting today (UNTIL THE LAST MOMENT THAT IS NOW: 1:32AM)

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in doing my writtings

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't write one point of myself and go through it all. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear forgiving myself in fear of stopping to exist as what I've existed the last years:

Procrastination, not doing what I know I have to do, regret for not doing what I have to do, shame for what I've done and hiding to escape from what I done. Then fearing self-forgiving myself because that implies that I have to change.


Self correction I have to apply and will give feedback on:

Self writting: Going trough a point/topic/experience and clear it with self forgiveness

Self movement regarding school: Study chemistry: Effectively learn how to formulate

Self movement:Going for a walk in the morning 20-30 minutes. Do you walk after or before having breakfast?

More things I have to do tomorrow: Exercice right foot. Breathe. Post the Blog and the Vlog (unlisted process Vlog).