Undirectiveness on 24 august

Today I started the day ‘happy’ eventhough I had a wet dream – which I
didn’t remember- because last night I spoke about the fear about me
being gay/the fear about others saying I was gay. This ‘happy yuppy’
distracted me/I allowed myself to be distracted and not be directive
within my tasks (Self forgiveness of yesterday’s writting, school,
sub4sub...) Although I did shave my hair and went for a walk – now I
see that I didn’t have much time, but I ‘wasted’ one or a bit more
hour of time. I noticed it took me 40 minutes to shave my hair! I have
to train myself to do it in less time because that is a lot. At 12:50h
I went to the dentist – I arrived late because I procrastinated on
leaving home – and at the waiting room I was reading an article about
the euro from april this year when greece was having the crisis –
interestingly enough, my left shoulder muscle started to ‘move’ when I
was reading about this. Maybe I have to go and pick that article again
because it is no coincidence. The article, amongst other things,
stated that the only way to ‘refloat’ spanish economy is to improve
competitivity through, inevitabilly, fire a lot of people. After the
dentist I bought suncream and listerine (I didnt have cavities, so the
dentist didn’t perform in my mouth.) I was recommended to have a
cleansing though, but he said that I had it well.

In the moring, I played one moment with my little kittie and got one
big bloody scar on my left hand’s direction finger. (index). I am not
directing myself! And yesterday I got one on my right index finger.
Alarm! Ruben is not directing himself!

How I did not directed myself? With computer. I resisted applying self
forgiveness on my gayests fear - I forgive myself that I’ve accepted
and allowed myself to associate being gay as being weak
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act upon the
resistance to apply self forgiveness instead of doing it for myself

It’s interesting how, after watching last Lindsay’s Vlog (on fear of
death and self forgiveness) with which I realised much of self
forgiveness – and I thought I would apply self forgiveness) I did not.
WIch confirms that self realisation without self forgiveness or
practical aplication. means 0.

I did a bit of ineffective sub for sub ( with the opera brouser
without the flashblocker and with my main channel – more ego-driven
than principled driven (well, ego driven - because I reached the 600
subscribers today and I wanted MORE)

It’s also interesting noticing how I’ve noticed that the afternoon was
‘slipping through my fingers’ and yet I thought I would do – but did
not do. I allowed myself to be distacted and to conform with the
thought that I ‘would do’ instead of stopping myself and actually move
myself to get things done.

In the afternoon I found on FB that Andrea had placed a video response
for the video I did called why dont I change. I watched it and wanted
to write it down: the main reason I wanted to type it is because: I
wanted my parents to watch it and be able to understand it
better/translate it (in the case of my father) and another thought
came of (well, this will assist myself in understanding more the
video) The second thought is valid but the starting point was that of
showing to my parents: ‘see, Andrea, who is a ‘long term Desteni
Member’ has ‘made a video response to MY video’ see ‘how well I am
doing’ and also wanted them to believe that I am doing it well with my
process, because I told them that they can’t judge Desteni through my
experience and that I was for the first time/I am starting to apply
the material. But this is not so – and I wanted to use Andrea’s video
as propaganda instead of working on it and what it says – what Andrea
says. Decision: I will not show it to my parents or to my brother .-

By the way: My brother left me a comment on one of my videos with one
of my previous youtube accounts that the three of us siblings used to
upload videos ( I created that account) and yesterday he put this
comment on one of my vlogs saying that ‘Ruben, there is enough of this
story, doesn’t it?’ in catalan. I didn’t reply – but he is saying it
to himself. I wanted to ‘get the account back’ by trying to log in and
change the password but – no way. I will ask him to return it because
I created that account and it has one video featuring myself. If you
want to comment my videos – do it with another account – with your
name – or die.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to
‘recover’ my account from youtube
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother ‘attacking me’ with the account that features a video of
myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear saying
to my brother that he is saying this to himself and that he has to
stop projecting his shit to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my
brother wanting to ‘discredit’ me in front of my family
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted


Also today in the afternoon I discussed with my parents a bit of
Desteni and I wanted to show them pictures of the farm – Basically I
wanted them to have a nice idea about Desteni.

My father came now saying that the noises I am doing made him awake 4 times. I said I would stop right now. I fear my father. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

After moving to my room, I came through 2 past documents I had saved in google docs. One dream and one past experience where I was told about torture and videotaping of torture as a child (10 years old) And that it affected me. I have issues to deal with and I see that continue living as if nothing has happened is really self dishonest /trying to negate what is evident.

I slept 2 hours in the afternoon. I wanted to sleep 20 minutes but did not wake up. I am doing a decision: Stand up when cellphone rings - always