Fear of not surviving and hiding

Today I have allowed myself to hide from myself. In the morning I did not stand up when the cellphone rang, and when I woke up for the second time, I was angry because I thought that it was around midday. I saw that it was not, that I had slept almost 8 hours and it was late morning, not midday. I went to the bathroom and after brushing teeth, peeing, I shaved my head. I wanted to go for a walk/thought about it but after having breakfast I did not, but closed myself in my room, on the computer. From the moment I went to the bathroom this morning I started to think ways of getting money - what to sell to get money, that I had not a job - I don’t have a job - and was worried about my economic future. I watched some videos and Vlogs, now I see what it means to worry about survival and that it can control a being completely. I am not in a position that I don’t have my basic needs covered but the possibility of me not being able to provide for myself is controlling/I am allowing myself to be controlled by it. I have my basic needs covered but if I don’t get a job this month I won’t be able to continue on ‘economic independence’ if I don’t get rid of my Macbook - one thing that I resist much. After a while I went out and bought some food (2 things only) and had to find a way to make the flat payment on the automatic cashier- which left me with less than 200 euros in cash in my hands - after paying one month payment for the flat rent plus another one as ‘reserve’ for the owner to return at the end of the contract - stay. I split the amount, leaving one part in the bank and the other part in cash - just in case I would lose the wallet.

Once at home I ate again, (I ate pasta before leaving) by now it was dark because it took me a lot of time going back and forth from the street/home because I did not did it effectively - and also because -- I forgot to say that I did the cashier payment after resting once I ate before leaving at midday. All in all, I was consumed by the experience of money and allowed it to control myself during my day - and I supressed myself from this by eating and surfing/watching videos on the internet - instead of me doing my school work, doing my ITD course, doing process ‘writting’ and so on - and well - I have fucked myself.

The Equal Money System would stop fear of survival and would make sure everyone has their basic needs covered - and much more.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of being self honest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not surviving

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as incapable of standing up for myself in not doing it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to attract attention of other beings because I am not directing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into victim mode when I see what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do instead of stopping myself and forgiving myself unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse self forgiveness by eating and suppressing myself in it instead of eating to support my body because I’ve already forgiven myself for doing this

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot have self trust because I’ve deceived myself knowing it and being aware of the consequences of my acts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act against what I see is best for all - allow what I know is not what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want it to be ‘too late’ for me to stand up for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that there is not such a moment where it is too late to stand up for myself - while I am alive - but that I will experience suffering and will manifest suffering in this world by procrastinating on it or doing it half assed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear applying myself in self honesty

- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide in eating food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress myself using food instead of sorting out what it is that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is painful doing self forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge being self honest as difficult

I go to sleep even though I did not clear up this point of today’s dishonesties - I distracted myself with Mac videos on youtube in the middle of writting self forgiveness