self realizations within my day / the day

I am here

Things/realizations that I fear not remembering:

When I went down the hole where water is(well), instead of putting on the water boots, I choosed the trainers, saying that I would clean them afterwards(i knew there was water) - once there I asked for the boots.

I wanted to go out of there pushing myself up other than allowing myself to be helped by L (he was at the other end of the rope)

Yesterday I dremed a group of people, a circle of people 'cicrcling' us in a 'unfriendly' manner and then I feeling intimidated - later a bigger cicrlce of people 'from our band'/friends circled it and then I was in power and took a girld and raped her - here I woke up with a wet dream -

Another self realization: I've been searching a place to stay in barcelona. I found 3 places. I wanted to go at the third one because I thought that I could talk about desteni with them, and resisted to go to the 2nd one because I thought it would be very difficult to talk with the guy there about Desteni.

When I was sending a message to the 3rd place I writted something like: can I come to live with you? I wanted to live with them - instead of me going into a relationship with myself I wanted to go in a relationship with them = separation

I realized something else yesteray: Talking with my cousin about how to live, she was sharing something about if we are happy and think that we need good then we'll have good and we can overcome sicknes. What she said is irrelevant, what was relevant is that I kept saying to her to share what she has found so others can see it - me projecting myself onto her, wanting her to do what I see I have to do.

I also projected into a guyt with whom I work in the vineyards, he is almost illiterate and I insisted much in him studying, despite he is/have few possibilities to do it without being supported by money/with his mindset.

So I know I have to study and share my process - this is what I have to do. I wanted to go into a place to live with people whith whom I see I can distract myself wanting them to do process instead of me doing it - and when I see that I have no options to make a potential flatmate to do process then I resist going there. Because I've believed I have to save others - make others do process. NO.s