Day 53: I Am Here

 

Here I am, I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my original innocence.

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to not see that I am not my addictions

I forgive myself that I have acccepted and allowed myself to not see that I am not my limitations

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am one and equal as breath, as Life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am not my shortcomings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see all that I can be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself effectively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am Here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what I can forgive myself for 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I have a hard time forgiving myself because I am not specific enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk back, have back chat in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in my back chat in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have 'security' in my job

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that there is no security anywhere

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am here

Day 52: Self Forgiveness on Spitefulness

I listened to the recordings by Bernard Poolman 'Why We Are Here on Earth' and here is my self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from Life by being spiteful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot be Equal, so in my inferiority I spited everyone else

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as equal to everyone else

I forgive myeself that I have accpted and allowed myself to live to experience energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in  my spitefulness believe that I can get power over others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I cannot possibly control others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a ruler of this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot become the ruler of this reality so then I simply spite everyone else because I didn't get what I wanted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am equal to all others so there is no more or less and that is enough, Equality is enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I can be contented and satisfied being one and equal to everyone else, united as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that unless I forgive myself for my spitefulness I will simply continue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I am One and Equal as Life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that I have to forgive myself to give myself the key to Equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation from myself, from who I really am as Life

I commit myself to forgive myself until it is done

I commit myself to remind myself to forgive myself

I commit myself to remind myself to breathe

9 Years

 Nine years have passed since I wrote in this blog, and I am happy to write here again. I am older and (maybe) wiser but also I might have had a different spark back in the times I was 22. I am 31 now. 

Back then I had a wish, that things would change. And things have changed, for the worse. I am talking on an existential level, here on Earth, things are getting worse. And I see that I can't do much about it other than starting with myself. This has also been the point, self first, and here I am. It's 1:26 at night and I can't go back. I can't go back to when I was 22 and coerce myself to change, it is in every moment that I have to change.

I have been obsessed with change, but what is it really? When all on the outside collapses. When there is only me left with myself in my bed at night, with unrest for what I could be doing, so much more than what I have done. 

But there - I was going to say that there is hope - but there is no hope, there must be no hope, because hope has mantained me in a way of inaction, not changing myself hoping for a better future. It doesn't work this way. 

At the moment I see myself so insignificant but it doesen't have to be this way, I have kept writing blogs on two other blogs that I have kept, astudentsjourneytolife and bipolarsjourneytolife. I skipped the students' journey to life because I thought I was no longer a student - and could do a better job at walking the bipolars journey to life. As I was saying, it doesn't have to be this way. I feel insignificant because I believe I have no relevance, and I believe I have no relevance but yet this message will reach someone so I will go to the facts:

We are fucked - and this is not a negative message. There is no way out - and this is not a negative message - but only one, to do what is Best for All. And I believed that by merely keeping alive I was doing a favour to someone - that is not true. It is not true because by merely surviving, nothing will change. It is time to create - a world that is Best for All. 

And this is what frustrates me - but why - because the world is not Best for All. Then I should start with myself - push myself to become the best version of myself. That is why I am writing now, not to cry, not to rant and rave about how fucked we are, but there is a way out, remember? Yes, no matter what I do I cannot escape from the consequences of my actions, and so everyone else - from consequence.

So in the meantime, while the world goes to shit, we are doing like Nero, singing with a small harp while the city burns down to the grown, but withdraw the R, remove the R from Nero and you get Neo - the matrix is real and the red pill is real too. Still have to change the world though - but in the meantime I will recover first from taking the red pill - which is when Neo is in a way reborn in the movie -- I am walking my 7 year journey to life to be born again in the pysical, to stop the mind.

I still remember the first time I realised I could talk in my head, to curse and say whatever I wanted, as a little child - it was precisely when my dog was put down and I was very angry, then my mind activated and voilà it was running like a perfect machine - but it can be unplugged. Check out Desteni.org and the blogs, 7 year journey to life blogs, and start your own so that you can show as proof the process you walked and where you stand, because in times of trouble no one will know = who to trust.

7 Year Journey to Life on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife

My blogs

https://bipolarsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

https://astudentsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Enjoy

2012: No Secrets

What is Best for All is not something that has to be discussed secretly as it is not something that will serve my self interest exclusively and leave out all others so that I win. What is Best for All benefits everyone that is currently and will be living on this planet Earth, including animals and plants.

What is Best for All is not like corporations' secrets and agendas, that have to be protected from the competitors so that they win,  it can be discussed openly and see who  is prepared to apply it and live it because the sooner enough people is supporting that which is best for all, we will have a new world where no one is left out. Investigate Equal Money and Desteni.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that secrets protect myself instead of seeing that sharing myself within the context of that which is Best for All is indeed what is Best for All - so that others can see and live and apply it themselves too.

I commit myself to walk within the principle of What is Best for All and I redirect myself whenever I see that I am diverting my attention to self-interest and secretion in self-dishonesty. I realize that if I hide a secret in fear it means I am in competition and competition is the acceptance of winners and losers that exist as the current system and that is unacceptable as it creates pain and suffering to many.

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2012 - Acidic Anger

Fucking angry is how I was this midday when I left to school. I was going late again and did not find my equipment for the practic class at the laboratory. I was at one point very angry and then I went into fear of being burned by acid at the laboratory because I saw an episode of the TV series '1000 ways to die'  where an angry guy that is always angry -lol- gets fired from his job and goes yet again into anger and starts a fight with his boss and accidentally falls into a hydrochloridric acid pool that was in the factory and dies in agony.

After my class and the laboratory practice I noticed a redness on the left hand, next to my index finger - a little red spot - and once at home I noticed a bigger spot on my right hand. Because I did not find my latex gloves at home before leaving I had to ask for a pair to a mate but he said he didn't have so I used a pair that was used on top of the table - which is unusual. It looks like there was some chemical in it from the previous user. I thought about rinsing the gloves when I took them but then I thought that I would have the gloves wet and that would be uncomfortable to wear. Instead of assesing the consequences of acting on such a thought, I allowed myself to blindly follow it by not rinsing the gloves despite having the means to dry it with paper tissue that was available.

On my way to school, eventhough I quickly forgave myself for the fear of being burned by acid and starting to breathe and continuing in my effort for not allowing myself to go into anger during the rest of the walk = I was doing it under fear and in fear of getting burned by acid - I did not forgive myself for my starting point of fear but quickly forgave myself and supressed myself by stopping the anger  to not have the consequence of getting burned - so I got burned and I was angry again LOL. The burn is only a red spot and it doesn't look like there is damage - dont worry.

This event shows me how the starting point is relevant: I was not forgiving myself from a starting poing of Self Honesty but of self dishonesty in doing it out of fear. Fearing that if I fear I will get burned. Looks like I was fearing my own fear. I only said one self forgiveness statement 'I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear getting burned by acid because I am angry' and then I supressed the anger by going into a polarity of calmness.

I submitted to the fear of getting burned and I was not really Here breathing  so I got fucked up when I acted on the thought telling me to not rinse the gloves when I considered doing it - I was kind of 'on the clouds' - in my mind - with this point and basically risked my hands for it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the fear of getting burned and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create getting burned by acid by fearing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to right after forgiving myself for fearing getting burned for being angry = supress my anger going into polarity of calmness in fear of getting burned instead of realizing that I was acting on the fear and thus giving my power away to it in that action
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply self forgiveness with the starting point of fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress my anger in fear of getting an acid burn at school
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the thought that rinsing the gloves I found would make them wet and uncomfortable
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to evaluate the consequences of not rinsing the gloves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to despite knowing that I was exposing myself to come into contact to chemical substances with my skin - not act on this knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and use as an excuse to not rinse the gloves the knowledge that the skin of the hands is the less likely of the body of absorving chemicals
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to jump to the polarity of calmness when I was angry in fear that I will get burned
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to submit to the fear of being burned by acid instead of facing it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry because I have burned my skin
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expose my physical body to harm by using used latex gloves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use used latex gloves
It's funny how I even used two gloves for the left hand because I found a pair of used gloves plus another one - and even doing this I got both hands with red spots.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put on two latex gloves in fear of getting acid on my hands
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the fear of getting burned instead of stopping it
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create getting burned by fearing it
The mate to which I asked for a pair of gloves said that he didn't have more gloves but he found three of them when a girl asked for gloves - I did not doubt that he was not aware he had them but I gave up from having new gloves just because he said he didn't have when I had about a dozen more mates at the laboratory to ask.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up using new gloves because my partner in the group did not have/said did not have more gloves
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy in not asking the other mates at the laboratory for new gloves
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be helped
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am inferior to the one that I ask something to
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mates reacting to me asking for gloves with bad manners
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected in mates not wanting to give me gloves
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to give me gloves to myself by asking for gloves
I stop putting my body at risk
I ask for protection and refuse to operate with adequate equipment within the laboratory
I stop every time I see I am putting my body at risk in the laboratory
I use adequate protection to everything I do inside the laboratory
I stop the fear of being burned instead of supressing it
I breathe here
I live the word circumspect
I assess the consequences of my actions inside and outside the laboratory

Struggling with the Past(a)

This morning I prepared myself a spaghetti meal from that was left from the dinner. I was eating while participating in thoughts when suddenly I realized something was not right. My esophagus had over-traffic of spaghetti and it was starting to hurt. Sometimes it happens to me that when I eat too much too fast the food gets stuck in my esophagus and slowly and painfully make its way to the stomach - for some minutes I have pain. This time it was with pasta. As the ball of spaghetti was going down my esophagus the pain was increasing. I could not drink water this time to make it pass, it was too risky since the pasta was already hydrated and would not become mushy while I would be exposing me to choke with the water wanting to go to my respiratory conducts if it didn't make it to the stomach, as it happened once - it is very unpleasant, like suffocating.

I couldn't handle it, the pain was increasing in my belly, I stood up from my chair and went outside to the balcony. I bent on my knees i front of the garbage bin and removed from my mouth the part of spaghetti I had still not swallowed. The pain was so much that I thought about going to the hospital - but it was unpractical and a reaction out of fear. I felt like throwing up but I realized that with this spaghetti ball in my throat it wouldn't be easy for anything to go up - I feared the ball remaining stuck in the middle, as it was already half way down it as unpractical for another 'force' to try to make it go up, given the difficulty of the ball of spaghetti to move through my esophagus - furthermore the acid would make the experience even worse.

I had no way out, I had to wait until the spaghetti ball would make it through the stomach. I felt like I was going to suffocate - I was not breathing properly due to the pain and the fear. I forced myself to breathe, it was very difficult because with every inspiration and expiration there was pain - but I couldn't stop breathing!

There was nothing left more to do than forgive myself. And I forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear suffocating. And I forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to die. And I breathed through it. And the self forgiveness was the only thing I could do. Suddenly the ball reached the stomach and the pain dissipated. I was still on my knees in front of the garbage bin, smelling the shit that was in there. I didn't care, I felt like crying and did it for a moment. then I breathed again and it was all over.

I desired in the past to be in a situation where I had to do self forgiveness - I wanted this situation where there is too much to handle that I HAVE TO forgive myself. I wanted this moment to come where I have nothing left to do than to forgive myself - because apparently I cannot forgive myself. I have resisted self forgiveness and thus desired this to happen. Now I know that all will do self forgiveness - everyone: when the pain is too much to handle and there is nothing else one can do to stop it - if one have to make it through the pain: then there will be self forgiveness. Now I don't require to waste my life until there is nothing left to do other than forgive myself - because I know I will have to do self forgiveness thus I'll better do it now and save myself from the experience.

'Bringing Myself Back to Myself' - Aquatint etching by Marlen Vargas - 2011 ©

Spider Fear

I was at the computer in the living room when my sister and the cat draw my attention. There was a little spider on the floor and the cat was curiously following it. I stood up and said to my sister to not let the cat kill it, I took it and went outside to 'set it free'. When I was about to release the spider on the Aloe Vera plant of the balcony, and while the spider was running on my hands, I feared it going up my arm - so after releasing the spider on the Aloe and was about to return inside to the computer, I went back and looked for it again to take it on  and overcome the fear of ths spider going up my arm by allowing the spider to do it.

I took the spider and it went up my left arm, then on my t-shirt and on to the back, crossing it all the way to go right under my t-shirt sleeve. My sister was behind me describing the way of the spider on my body,  in fear - I could hear it in her voice clearly. I was anxious as well and also in fear lol.  When the spider entered my right t-shirt sleeve my sister couldn't take it anymore and left. I was a bit anxious - and now I didn't know what to do with the spider in my sleeve. Thoughts were running in my mind of smashing the spider in a moment of fear - I would not allow this to happen, I said to myself.  I waited for it to come out but the spider was showing no intention of going out and I feared it would bite me if I pressed the spider into my skin if I were to put my sleeve up to see it. I removed the t-shirt after feeling the spider was on my lower back and thus would not be smashed. From the moment the spider was on my skin I applied self forgiveness for my fears that were popping up  like: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the spider biting me.  I could feel the physical legs of the spider walking through my skin - it went all the way up to my head. I feared absurd things happening like the spider entering in my ear and me not being able to remove it. It also moved very close to the eyes and I feared it biting my eyelids or 'jumping in' the eye. It was cool how the spider would hang itself by a web-thread from my glasses, descend a palm or two and go up again, to my glasses - it did it about tree times, like testing my me = I could see it approaching my face slowly! I assisted myself through breath whenever I wanted to go out the situation by dropping the spider. What I utilized when I saw the points of fear like the fear of the spider biting my eyelids or my skin is the vizualization: I visualized this happening and within it I realized that the spider was very little and the pain would be little -  if this little spider was able to bit  me at all.  Utilizing this tool along withthe breath and self forgiveness I could remain stable without going into fear and running away from the experience. At some moments I enjoyed the funny feeling of the little legs running thorugh my sensitive skin - I could not have conceived it before.

After a while I decided to make a vlog about it - while I still had it on my head.

After the experience I was reacting to the feeling of something touching my skin slightly - this showed that I still have fear or that I suppressed the fear instead of forgiving myself. First layer solved though, now I can take little spiders. To release myself completely I have to self forgive more and investigate this point further.