Sharing is caring

I will be sharing my experience here to assist me in my process no matter what.

Right now I am in the school system and in a time-loop, repeating the procrastination and manifesting the difficulty of passing course due to procrastination and giving up of self responsibility.

Lately -2 weeks- I've been writing in a notebook -pen and paper- because, for instance, after 8 days of school vacations I did nothing of homework (again not taking responsibility for myself) and I just had to do something about it, I had nothing left than write my experience and apply some self forgiveness - I was not totally self directive though: This notes will be transcribed here.

This diary will serve me to see what I am doing to be able to stop the cycle I am repeating.

There exist the possibility I try to present me as self directive to feel better about not passing this course and repeating it - I will not allow myself to deceive myself.

This course ends in June and is representing the opportunity for me to stop existing in the cycle of procrastination and giving up of self responsibility. To stop wanting others to provide all for myself. This course will provide me with a title to earn money to sustain myself and will also provide me the ticket to go to university eventually.

I exist in desire to procrastinate again, to just do it next year. I want to justify it saying: 'it's too late, I've fucked up too much to be able to pass it this time'

In self-honesty I am saying: I don't want to take self-responsibility, I can hide from myself, I can't help myself, I give up self responsibility, I give up self direction, I give up self worth, I want my parent to be my self responsibility, I say am not able to it just to not have to do it, I know it won't be easier next year but I want other to think it is ok and I will make it next year so they agree with me not taking self responsibility. I want others to believe it's very hard so I can feel better about myself not doing it. I want others to not challenge me in saying it is very difficult. I want to feel better about not doing school doing process because 'at least' I am doing something. I want others to believe I am self honest so I can feel better about myself even though I know in self honesty that I am deceiving myself.

The outcome of this, in June doesn't have to influence who I am, I mean, I can allow myself to deceive myself to not move judging myself for not passing this course if I don't pass, and use it as excuse to not move.

And: I think (here I was going to explain that even if I pass or not I can be self dishonest in the end -after passing or not.)

The part in italics is me saying: 'I can suspend and be honest with myself' -> Just hope, just wanting to be honest without really do what's best for all. Not dedicating myself to the utmost to pass this course is not doing what's best for all, because I need to work inside the system as the system and so I need a verification from the system as the title I will get in this course to be able to do what's best for all.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to give excuses as why I am not taking responsibility for myself

Here I see that I am wanting to search solutions for what is here BEFORE me sorting out myself. Because process goes like this: First sort out yourself (but hey, now I realized that for instance, Anna Brix and others in the forum are doing the 2 things at a time, their process and searching solutions and moving to do what's best for all, so yes it can be done)

So: I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do effective self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to hide in process to not do what it's necessary to be done at the time: School.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do process if I dedicate myself to do school, allowing me by existing in this self interested believe to not do process in 'having to do school'

2 be continued