I have hands. As I was writing I saw my hands on the keyboard. I have two considerably big hands that I can use. That is cool, because I have my self worth a bit devaluated from continuous self-failure, giving up and participation in mind manifestations such as thoughts, feelings and emotions. Is not to base my self worth on my hands or body but, it's cool to realize that I have a physical body here to support myself and is cool to see it at this moment rather than continue ignoring it. I am grateful for I have a body supporting myself.
In the past I have seen how working with my body, doing physical tasks such as collecting grapes has assisted me, where I would focus on the physical act required, focus on my breathing when some kind on resistance arose and breathe through the experience effectively and actually being able to enjoy the work. When I participated in the mind, when it was involved in the process of collecting the grapes, I would start to judge it and believe I cannot go faster, and at the same time have a feeling of overwhelmedness and frustration. All this was gone when I remained Here as breath. All the mind, then, all that I experienced within collecting grapes until the moment I decided to stop - or else the 'boss' would fire me, as I was being ineffective - then, in one moment, I started to breathe in awareness of it and pushed myself to stick to it, to remain aware of it while cutting the grapes from the plant/tree. From then on, in that campaign of the grape for wine-making, the experience was a more enjoyable and satisfactory as I was being very effective.
What's 'wrong' with collecting grapes? It was a task that was required to be done in order for me to support myself with money - would I, as who I really am manifest a feeling to sabotage myself to not be able to support myself? No - If it is so, I accepted to become something else (or less) than who I really am, as that, who I really am, would not sabotage himself. I am currently walking the process of self correction from self-sabotage to self-trust with the Desteni I Process. You can click here to see the website.
Today I have been invited to the Desteni Farm as a Volunteer, to work with the animals: Cleaning stables and feeding the animals. This is such a cool and supportive experience for anyone, as I have seen that working with the physical assists to stopping 'that which sabotages' - the mind. There are some practical steps to be walked before I can go, such as paying for the plane tickets and getting the necessary Volunteer Visa - they will provide me with a place to stay, food and work. No smoking, no drinking allowed. That will be easy for me since I have stopped it already.
What I have to realize and 'low my expectations to' is to the desire and want to 'change' and believe that I will magically experience myself differently once I am at the Desteni-Farm. Already now, after the 'news' that I will be in the future going, I see that it doesn't change my experience as what I am currently, as who I am that I have to face myself for accepting myself to become.
The 'what I am now' is not something I am proud of. I am not someone who I can trust as I have to prove it for myself - in facing myself in taking responsibility for myself as who I have become. For example, now I am at one month time from the end of this course of chemistry I am registered to - I could manifest consequence by not finishing it with reasons and excuses, or stop it there, as I've had enough from school failure. If I don't stop it this time, I would be stating that I've had not enough! That I require more 'polishing' from the system to, once an for all say: Until here no further!
I have noticed how the plans in my mind about the future are always too optimistic - that when I try and place them on the real world, the outcome shows that I was not realistic. I noticed it for example in the selling of my laptop about a month ago. It took me an entire week when I had planned selling it in 3 days.
Depending on the jobs that I can get or participate in - the process of being ready to go to the Desteni-Farm will be faster or slower - that's a Dare.
Gian Robberts at the Desteni Farm showering horses. Photo by Leila Zamora Moreno
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