I am expressing myself here, first of all I am going to read an Osho tarot card.
| Try Again |
|
The energy of the whole has taken possession of you. You are possessed, you are no more, the whole is.
This moment, as the silence penetrates in you, you can understand the significance of it, because it is the same silence that Gautam Buddha experienced. It is the same silence that Chuang Tzu or Bodhidharma or Nansen.... The taste of the silence is the same.
Time changes, the world goes on changing, but the experience of silence, the joy of it, remains the same. That is the only thing you can rely upon, the only thing that never dies. It is the only thing that you can call your very being.
Osho Zen: The Diamond Thunderbolt Chapter 1
Commentary:
The silent, mirrorlike receptiveness of a star-filled night with a full moon is reflected in the misty lake below. The face in the sky is deep in meditation, a goddess of the night who brings depth, peace and understanding.
Now is a very precious time. It will be easy for you to rest inside, to plumb the depths of your own inner silence to the point where it meets the silence of the universe. There's nothing to do, nowhere to go, and the quality of your inner silence permeates everything you do.
It might make some people uncomfortable, accustomed as they are to all the noise and activity of the world. Never mind; seek out those who can resonate with your silence - or enjoy your aloneness. Now is the time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that come to you in these moments will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of your life.
I wanted to talk about yesterday... Yesterday there were some events that made me ashame of myself - and I wanted to hide it, I wanted to just hide it because I thought it was me, I toke it personally and holy fuck, this one is about abuse.
It all started with a friend showing me a new at a digital newspaper, abut the rape of a 13 year old girl by her boyfriend and 5 friends of him - he was very serious. I didn't arouse by then but in one moment I smiled - not at first when knowing the fact, I wanted him to know that the world is very fucked but somehow I smiled..
With this friend, I wanted to be frank with him in stopping the shit we've allowed ourselves to participate in the relationship, specially telling him my point of view of not being honest when hanging out with him. That new seemed to be well placed for the moment too, for him to realize the necessity to do something. I based the conversation in our relationship and also we talked about what are relationships with girls based on. Didn't talk specifically about the web, though I've show him the link sometimes but didn't really stop to explain it.
Return to abuse... Some day I heard in a radio program about sexuality, a prostitute saying that a friend of her was raped anally by a client and what to do in that case because her friend didn't had residence permit and stuff...
Yesterday I thought of that and I aroused - I kept myself in that thought and arousal sensation and I was wondering if that could be possible done without being jailed... I was going to google it to see if there was some new about it when I stopped myself. That would lead me to porn and masturbation at the end... I realized that desire within me to abuse. Actually I was wondering about the possibility of this being done... Though I know I would not do it - instead going into masturbation and possibly porn - though I would resist that because I stopped this for some time now.
This is all the abuse system, I've participated extensively with porn and masturbation and I still have it . At first I would get aroused by regular porn but within time I started to need more abuse to be infringed to a woman to get aroused... I would use at the end anal hardcore to arouse - the harder the better - the more innocent they seemed too.
I've accepted that within me as well - I experimented with anal masturbation - sometimes I got pain in the ass... It's weird... I would at first not like the pain but then it was part of the arousal. It's like I 'enjoyed' abusing me... It was like searching for an object and then wanting to put it all in - note that if you react to me it's not my fault lol - no matter the pain - of course within some physical limits.
That feeling of being fucked aroused me so much and I had super-orgasms that I didn't had with regular masturbation.
Within that acceptance I would get aroused to others abuse as well.
That sexual drive of wanting to masturbate going to porn was not enjoyable.. Once there I would start compounding energy as arousal video after video and then eventually masturbating and releasing - like a junkie.
Every time it was harder to me and usually I spent hours watching porn to masturbate.
In two occasions I liked my own shit. Which aroused me too - all used to masturbate.
I would fantasize in rape and in porn I would usually search for videos where I would enjoy to see the girl actually not enjoying the sex act or suffering it.
to be continued
0 comments:
Post a Comment